I used to say I was terrible with change. Hated it. Tried to avoid it as much as possible. Fought change until I couldn't fight anymore. Funny. Because now I have learned to embrace it... even if there is a little bit of bittersweet to go with the excitement of change.
What am I talking about? A lot of things. Juan and I are very close to figuring out where we want to be in a year or so. (Location wise.) It's narrowed down but is still a matter of job and logistics. I'm uber excited though a little sad to think of leaving Lubbock... okay.. Really, just leaving my gym. I am in love with working out in my gym's pool every day. However, I know this isn't our "forever" home and am eager to find our spot of heaven and get a place with a backyard before my kid's too old to play outside.
Life is changing for my mom as well. She's doing pretty well with the radiation treatments and those will be winding down this week. Once she recovers from the fatigue and whatnot, she'll hopefully start to feel like her old self and it will be just in time for a visit from her one and only daughter (er, me) and her awesome grandson. We talked a little last night about the future for her and she said she wasn't going to go back to work. Due to her diagnosis, she will, in a way, retire early. She said this really made her think about life and how she doesn't want a stressful, thankless job now that she's had to kind of fight for her life. Her and my step-dad decided to put their little peace of heaven up for sale due to the not-so-wonderful winters and the distance from "civilization". It's exciting because they hope to move down to Florida (though I am lobbying hard for Texas re-location) and will be closer to us than they are in Idaho now. But it's sad because I know they love their Idaho property and that place just has this wonderful sense of peace and beauty to it that will be hard to replicate anywhere. But, ya know, they're getting older and they decided it's more important to make those memories with their scattered family than to spend the rest of their years up in Idaho without us. I get it. I support it, but I think I'll be a little sad on my trip up there because I love that spot of heaven..
So, this next year is anyone's guess as to where Juan and I'll be living, where my mom and step-dad will be, and what we'll be doing. But it's also exciting to think and dream about our future and to work towards goals that have always felt so far away. I hope to be done with my associate's before the end of 2012 and might start trying to get my foot in the door at a clinic or hospital as I begin to work on my bachelor's. Phoenix is almost done with his first year of preschool and might start full-day preschool next year depending on where we are. Life is changing. It's all good, but a little bittersweet as I think about the things we'll say goodbye to. Luckily, the excitement about the things we'll say hello to completely outweighs the little bittersweet feeling.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
On School, Mom, and the Future
School started back up for me on January 13. It's been busy, but not as bad as I thought it was going to be. Right now I have four classes going and one that will start in mid February. With Phoenix in school 3 hours a day, I'm really able to sit down and focus on one class a day in order to stay ahead and maintain the grades I want. After this semester, I'll only need five more classes before graduating with an associate's degree. I plan to finish all that up either at the end of the summer semester or the fall semester depending on class availability and if I can find a way to substitute a class for the chemistry that is required since they only offer that class on campus and I am too far from campus to commute daily.
Mom started her chemo and radiation treatments last Wednesday. She is taking a chemo pill 2 times a day, 7 days a week and receiving radiation treatments 5 days a week for 6 whole weeks. She hasn't been doing too well since starting all that. I guess that's par for the course with those treatments, but it makes me sad and angry that she has to feel so icky. I'm really wanting to be up there but she keeps telling me to wait until spring when she will, hopefully, be feeling better and more able to enjoy my visit. Which I understand, but I want to be there now to help Tony out and help her while she's ill and needing help. I feel so guilty for listening to her and holding off, but I also feel it's my job to listen to her and give her what she's asking for. Even if my gut says to ignore her and come up anyway.
We haven't talked much about her treatments because she chooses not to. We haven't talked about whether or not she has to do this again or if, after 6 weeks, she'll be done for good. There are a lot of questions I want to ask, but if she doesn't want to talk about it, then it's up to me to bite my tongue and think of things she wants to hear for the brief moments I talk to her. I was calling every other day, but have cut back to calling once or twice a week as I worry I'm annoying her and I would hate that. I just worry about her and it's my only way of checking up on her. I can't very well drive over there on a weekend just because I want to. It's times like these where I really hate the physical distance between us.
Speaking of the distance, our future in Lubbock is looking a little shaky. Juan's in a tough industry that lays off a lot of people around this time of year, each year. His company all ready laid off 40% of the main crew in Shreveport and the only thing that's really keeping him employed out here is a test well that everyone is hoping will have good results in the next few weeks. If the news is bad, he'll be out of a job almost certainly and then we'll be at square one. The good thing, though, is that we're preparing for the worst and looking at all our options. Moving back to Louisiana is almost out of the equation. The industry is just too shaky in LA and seems to be drying up with jobs harder and harder to find in oil and gas out there. So, that leaves us with Texas, Pennsylvania, Colorado, and Ohio. We've ruled out Ohio because of snow. (Juan hates the cold.) Pennsylvania would be a "maybe" as in: A company offers Juan money that we just can't refuse and then Juan would do three weeks out and one week off while Phoenix and I move back to Louisiana and stay with Juan's mom. We are undecided about Colorado. I like it because it would put me closer to my mom, but it would also put us further away from Juan' mom and she's the one who needs more help, at the moment. So.. let's talk Texas. Basically, if we can get Juan just a few more months of experience, almost the whole of Texas opens up to us. We're really interested in the Austin area followed by the Ft. Worth/Dallas area. We both really want Austin and Juan's sent out e-mails and resumes to a few companies out there. I could definitely see Austin becoming our home for more than a year.
We really have one more year that we can be "nomadic" until Phoenix has to start Kindergarten. I would like us to be settled down by then and try to give him a few steady years in one school. I remember hating the whole moving and switching schools thing when I was young and would not want to put that on Phoenix. Then again, I also told Juan we will go where we need to go and make a life wherever that may be. Phoenix will adapt and survive and we'll be stronger together no matter what. I actually enjoy moving to new places, now, and get excited to think about the next great adventure. I love Lubbock and am happy to be here, but I'm excited to try another place and make another home somewhere.
I've rambled on enough. Time to knock out some Sociology before I need to pick up the kiddo. Guess I'll throw some housework in there as well. Today's laundry and kitchen day. (Yes, I have my "chores" listed on my phone's calendar so I have a daily reminder of what needs to be done. It really helps me stay on top of everything house related as well as school related.)
Mom started her chemo and radiation treatments last Wednesday. She is taking a chemo pill 2 times a day, 7 days a week and receiving radiation treatments 5 days a week for 6 whole weeks. She hasn't been doing too well since starting all that. I guess that's par for the course with those treatments, but it makes me sad and angry that she has to feel so icky. I'm really wanting to be up there but she keeps telling me to wait until spring when she will, hopefully, be feeling better and more able to enjoy my visit. Which I understand, but I want to be there now to help Tony out and help her while she's ill and needing help. I feel so guilty for listening to her and holding off, but I also feel it's my job to listen to her and give her what she's asking for. Even if my gut says to ignore her and come up anyway.
We haven't talked much about her treatments because she chooses not to. We haven't talked about whether or not she has to do this again or if, after 6 weeks, she'll be done for good. There are a lot of questions I want to ask, but if she doesn't want to talk about it, then it's up to me to bite my tongue and think of things she wants to hear for the brief moments I talk to her. I was calling every other day, but have cut back to calling once or twice a week as I worry I'm annoying her and I would hate that. I just worry about her and it's my only way of checking up on her. I can't very well drive over there on a weekend just because I want to. It's times like these where I really hate the physical distance between us.
Speaking of the distance, our future in Lubbock is looking a little shaky. Juan's in a tough industry that lays off a lot of people around this time of year, each year. His company all ready laid off 40% of the main crew in Shreveport and the only thing that's really keeping him employed out here is a test well that everyone is hoping will have good results in the next few weeks. If the news is bad, he'll be out of a job almost certainly and then we'll be at square one. The good thing, though, is that we're preparing for the worst and looking at all our options. Moving back to Louisiana is almost out of the equation. The industry is just too shaky in LA and seems to be drying up with jobs harder and harder to find in oil and gas out there. So, that leaves us with Texas, Pennsylvania, Colorado, and Ohio. We've ruled out Ohio because of snow. (Juan hates the cold.) Pennsylvania would be a "maybe" as in: A company offers Juan money that we just can't refuse and then Juan would do three weeks out and one week off while Phoenix and I move back to Louisiana and stay with Juan's mom. We are undecided about Colorado. I like it because it would put me closer to my mom, but it would also put us further away from Juan' mom and she's the one who needs more help, at the moment. So.. let's talk Texas. Basically, if we can get Juan just a few more months of experience, almost the whole of Texas opens up to us. We're really interested in the Austin area followed by the Ft. Worth/Dallas area. We both really want Austin and Juan's sent out e-mails and resumes to a few companies out there. I could definitely see Austin becoming our home for more than a year.
We really have one more year that we can be "nomadic" until Phoenix has to start Kindergarten. I would like us to be settled down by then and try to give him a few steady years in one school. I remember hating the whole moving and switching schools thing when I was young and would not want to put that on Phoenix. Then again, I also told Juan we will go where we need to go and make a life wherever that may be. Phoenix will adapt and survive and we'll be stronger together no matter what. I actually enjoy moving to new places, now, and get excited to think about the next great adventure. I love Lubbock and am happy to be here, but I'm excited to try another place and make another home somewhere.
I've rambled on enough. Time to knock out some Sociology before I need to pick up the kiddo. Guess I'll throw some housework in there as well. Today's laundry and kitchen day. (Yes, I have my "chores" listed on my phone's calendar so I have a daily reminder of what needs to be done. It really helps me stay on top of everything house related as well as school related.)
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Hoping For Good Things
My mom goes to the drs tomorrow for her final consult with the radiation expert and the chemotherapy dr. They originally wanted her to start her chemotherapy pill and the radiation treatments last month, but she asked for more time to heal from her surgery/hospital experience and to get her anxiety/depression under control. I'm not sure her anxiety/depression is under control yet, but I'm happy to report that she's feeling a lot better than she has in a long time. That being said, she's very anxious about tomorrow and what may happen. I'm trying to give her the space she needs so I won't hear anything for the next few days... but I'm hoping for a good outcome, one that she will be at peace with, tomorrow.
In other Mom news, their English Bulldog, Buster, had to be put to sleep on Friday. A few months ago, he had been diagnosed with liver tumors (Ironic, eh? Mom has cancer near her liver; Buster has tumors in his liver.) and Mom and Tony decided to just let him live out the remainder of his days at home. They had an option to take him to a local university for an experimental treatment, but that would cost a few thousand dollars and success was not guaranteed. Plus, Buster was already twelve/thirteen years old (The average lifespan of an English Bulldog is about 8-10 years.) and had lived a pretty awesome life. It's a sad thing. He was one of the few dogs I could tolerate and I know my step-dad absolutely adored that dog. The memory of Buster as a wrinkly little puppy has been playing across my mind this weekend. He was soo adorable and such a pain in the ass because he was one feisty little pup. He would jump up and latch onto my mom's bathrobe with his teeth while she would try to walk around the house, getting ready for work. You could just hear that little pup growling as he was dragged up and down the hall. He loved kids though and always wanted to be around them, playing with them. So much so that when the neighbor kids would come over to swim, he would have to wear a special doggy life-vest because he had been known to jump in after the kids and then sink to the bottom of the pool. We thought he was rather dumb until Sophie (An English Bulldog sired by Buster) came along and we realized Buster was rather smart... Anyway, Buster, you snorted like a pig, were stinky, drooled a lot, and would have asthma attacks when too excited, but you were loyal, loving, and patient when the kids used you as a pillow and whatever else they could think of. Thank you for all the laughter and the opportunity to get to know an English Bulldog and fall in love with the breed.
I am also hoping for good things for Phoenix tomorrow. He had a rough day in preschool on Friday. Apparently, he burst into tears off and on throughout the three hours of school. It took me all day to finally get him to tell me what the deal was. Long story short, he told me he thought the teacher was mad at him because he couldn't put his jacket on and he couldn't write his name. So today, we worked on the letter of this upcoming week ("I") as well as a few other letters (B, H, L, T and P). I worked hard to get him excited about learning how to write (Okay, I bribed him with candy) and am hoping he goes to school full of confidence and just knocks those I's out of the park this week. It broke my heart a little to see him so sad and I vowed to work with him every day so that he wouldn't be the last one in his little class to learn how to write his letters.
In other Mom news, their English Bulldog, Buster, had to be put to sleep on Friday. A few months ago, he had been diagnosed with liver tumors (Ironic, eh? Mom has cancer near her liver; Buster has tumors in his liver.) and Mom and Tony decided to just let him live out the remainder of his days at home. They had an option to take him to a local university for an experimental treatment, but that would cost a few thousand dollars and success was not guaranteed. Plus, Buster was already twelve/thirteen years old (The average lifespan of an English Bulldog is about 8-10 years.) and had lived a pretty awesome life. It's a sad thing. He was one of the few dogs I could tolerate and I know my step-dad absolutely adored that dog. The memory of Buster as a wrinkly little puppy has been playing across my mind this weekend. He was soo adorable and such a pain in the ass because he was one feisty little pup. He would jump up and latch onto my mom's bathrobe with his teeth while she would try to walk around the house, getting ready for work. You could just hear that little pup growling as he was dragged up and down the hall. He loved kids though and always wanted to be around them, playing with them. So much so that when the neighbor kids would come over to swim, he would have to wear a special doggy life-vest because he had been known to jump in after the kids and then sink to the bottom of the pool. We thought he was rather dumb until Sophie (An English Bulldog sired by Buster) came along and we realized Buster was rather smart... Anyway, Buster, you snorted like a pig, were stinky, drooled a lot, and would have asthma attacks when too excited, but you were loyal, loving, and patient when the kids used you as a pillow and whatever else they could think of. Thank you for all the laughter and the opportunity to get to know an English Bulldog and fall in love with the breed.
I am also hoping for good things for Phoenix tomorrow. He had a rough day in preschool on Friday. Apparently, he burst into tears off and on throughout the three hours of school. It took me all day to finally get him to tell me what the deal was. Long story short, he told me he thought the teacher was mad at him because he couldn't put his jacket on and he couldn't write his name. So today, we worked on the letter of this upcoming week ("I") as well as a few other letters (B, H, L, T and P). I worked hard to get him excited about learning how to write (Okay, I bribed him with candy) and am hoping he goes to school full of confidence and just knocks those I's out of the park this week. It broke my heart a little to see him so sad and I vowed to work with him every day so that he wouldn't be the last one in his little class to learn how to write his letters.
Monday, January 2, 2012
Updates and Whatnot
I forgot about this blog for awhile. Maybe I didn't forget exactly, but I avoided it. Good news for my mom. The surgery went well. The recovery... not so much. She spent most of November in the hospital trying to get her pain under control as well as drainage and whatnot. She seems to be doing better physically. The pain isn't as bad as pre-surgery and there are times when she sounds like her old self. More so than before surgery. She still has days where she is short of breath and the pain bothers her, but I'm hoping those are getting few and far between the good days. Her anxiety has not gone away and she may have a bit of depression. Which has lead her to ask for anti-depressants and to hold off on the chemo and radiation until some time this month. The chemo will be done via pill but she will also receive high doses of radiation. She doesn't talk about it much and I'm not sure what to expect once her treatments start. I just try to keep our phone conversations short and happy in order to keep her spirits up and in a positive light.
Juan's step-dad passed away a few weeks ago. It was a bit of a shock but not a huge one. His health just began to go downhill the moment he was diagnosed with kidney failure and put on dialysis a year ago. I didn't visit him in the hospital, but Juan did. I am very proud of Juan for stepping up to the plate and taking turns keeping an eye on his stepdad when his brother or mom couldn't be there. His stepdad was a hard guy, lived a hard life, and I can't say for sure if Juan or his brother really loved him, but they did right by him in the end. Just as their stepdad tried to do right by them when they were young. Juan's mom is handling things as well as possible. We stayed and tried to help out as much as we could. We'll be helping her financially until we get everything figured out for her.
I have an overwhelming urge to being writing again. Writing blog posts. Writing stories. I miss writing. I miss pouring out my thoughts on paper and seeing my daydreams get fleshed out and made into something that I wouldn't mind reading. I don't know if I"ll make the time to write every day... like I wan to, but I will try to make the time to write every few days. I am expecting life to get rather hectic once my classes start on Jan. 13th. I signed up for five classes and am worried that I have signed up for too many classes, but I refuse to drop any and will just soldier on and work my ass off. I am still happy to be in school. Even happier to have finally passed that damn math class... with a B!
This is just random crap. It's late. I don't even have my glasses on, but my fingers wanted to do some typing and my thoughts wanted to do some talking. So here you go. It feels good to be back here. To write about anything and everything. Maybe one day I'll even share this with friends and family.
Juan's step-dad passed away a few weeks ago. It was a bit of a shock but not a huge one. His health just began to go downhill the moment he was diagnosed with kidney failure and put on dialysis a year ago. I didn't visit him in the hospital, but Juan did. I am very proud of Juan for stepping up to the plate and taking turns keeping an eye on his stepdad when his brother or mom couldn't be there. His stepdad was a hard guy, lived a hard life, and I can't say for sure if Juan or his brother really loved him, but they did right by him in the end. Just as their stepdad tried to do right by them when they were young. Juan's mom is handling things as well as possible. We stayed and tried to help out as much as we could. We'll be helping her financially until we get everything figured out for her.
I have an overwhelming urge to being writing again. Writing blog posts. Writing stories. I miss writing. I miss pouring out my thoughts on paper and seeing my daydreams get fleshed out and made into something that I wouldn't mind reading. I don't know if I"ll make the time to write every day... like I wan to, but I will try to make the time to write every few days. I am expecting life to get rather hectic once my classes start on Jan. 13th. I signed up for five classes and am worried that I have signed up for too many classes, but I refuse to drop any and will just soldier on and work my ass off. I am still happy to be in school. Even happier to have finally passed that damn math class... with a B!
This is just random crap. It's late. I don't even have my glasses on, but my fingers wanted to do some typing and my thoughts wanted to do some talking. So here you go. It feels good to be back here. To write about anything and everything. Maybe one day I'll even share this with friends and family.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Dear Mom,
You're probably in Spokane now. Or getting ready to be in Spokane soon. I hope your anxiety is low today and your drive over was smooth. I didn't get to tell you everything I wanted to, yesterday, when we talked on the phone. So here's what I wanted to say:
* I love you and I still need you in my life. Who else could I call for advice for everything from cooking to being a parent?
* I miss you. I hate that it's been so long since we've been able to see each other. I miss your hugs, your laugh, and the way you always compliment me and make me feel wonderful.
* You may not like to hear it, nor believe it, but you are such a strong, beautiful woman. I've always been amazed by your beauty and strength. You've held us together through tough times and still managed to have a positive attitude, a smile on your face, and love to share.
* I am scared for you, Tony, and the rest of us. Mostly for you. I try hard not to be, but there are times when the fear creeps up.
* We will have a get together in spring, will take a lot of pictures, have a lot of laughs, and give a lot of hugs.
* I don't want to celebrate my birthday until I know you're going to be okay.
* I don't want a present from you. I just want you.
* One of my favorite memories of you is when you would dance with me.. Even when I was "too grown up" and you'd try to get me to dance with you and then we would laugh. I'll never be too grown to dance with you.
* Whenever I hear Phoenix singing or humming to himself, I automatically think of you and smile. He, too, has his happy song that he sings/hums whenever he is happy.
* I can't wait for you to see, hug, and play with Phoenix when we come visit. He takes my breath away at least once a day and I love him more and more as time goes by.
* When I grow up, I want to be like you.
I know things will go well, but I will pray and think about you from now until I hear everything went exceedingly well during surgery. Tell them how important you are and that they must do 10000% better than their best for you. Tell them to pamper you and take care of you so you can rest, heal, and begin to finally feel better.
I love you. I love you. I love you a million times more. Thank you for being my mom and I look forward to talking to you soon. You are in my heart, my thoughts, and my prayers from now until forever. Don't worry about me. Focus on you and call me when you can.
Love,
Me
* I love you and I still need you in my life. Who else could I call for advice for everything from cooking to being a parent?
* I miss you. I hate that it's been so long since we've been able to see each other. I miss your hugs, your laugh, and the way you always compliment me and make me feel wonderful.
* You may not like to hear it, nor believe it, but you are such a strong, beautiful woman. I've always been amazed by your beauty and strength. You've held us together through tough times and still managed to have a positive attitude, a smile on your face, and love to share.
* I am scared for you, Tony, and the rest of us. Mostly for you. I try hard not to be, but there are times when the fear creeps up.
* We will have a get together in spring, will take a lot of pictures, have a lot of laughs, and give a lot of hugs.
* I don't want to celebrate my birthday until I know you're going to be okay.
* I don't want a present from you. I just want you.
* One of my favorite memories of you is when you would dance with me.. Even when I was "too grown up" and you'd try to get me to dance with you and then we would laugh. I'll never be too grown to dance with you.
* Whenever I hear Phoenix singing or humming to himself, I automatically think of you and smile. He, too, has his happy song that he sings/hums whenever he is happy.
* I can't wait for you to see, hug, and play with Phoenix when we come visit. He takes my breath away at least once a day and I love him more and more as time goes by.
* When I grow up, I want to be like you.
I know things will go well, but I will pray and think about you from now until I hear everything went exceedingly well during surgery. Tell them how important you are and that they must do 10000% better than their best for you. Tell them to pamper you and take care of you so you can rest, heal, and begin to finally feel better.
I love you. I love you. I love you a million times more. Thank you for being my mom and I look forward to talking to you soon. You are in my heart, my thoughts, and my prayers from now until forever. Don't worry about me. Focus on you and call me when you can.
Love,
Me
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Random Thoughts
In talking to my mom the other day, I was finally able to express a fear that I've had but haven't admitted to.. We were talking about spring and about the plan for the family down here to fly up there and spend time with Mom and Tony. I really, really wish I could fly up there now, tomorrow, or in December.. but reality is that she's going to be going through a rough time and having a four year old and her daughter around will not, exactly, make for relaxing conditions. I know my mom. And I know how stressed/depressed she would be if we were up there while she feels like crap and can't do all the things she would want to do. But, I guess, my fear is that things will be bad and she won't tell me she needs me before it's too late.. So i was finally able to tell her and get her to promise if she needs me then she will tell me... and I promise to be there immediately. I don't even mean if her health gets worse and she thinks her time is short.. I just mean if she's getting down and out, I will be there within a heartbeat to help in any way I can.
I just feel so tied up and far away down here. I hate the distance and I hate the helplessness that comes with it. I think if I was single, without Phoenix, I would most likely drop my job, pack my bags, and move up to Idaho indefinitely. I would find a job there, willingly work minimum wage, if it meant I could be there with her and help out in whatever way I could. I admit, I'm tempted to do it anyway. To drop everything and move up there until this whole thing passes... But I have created my own little family and it's neither right nor fair to drop them so I can go be with my mother indefinitely. But my heart is up there and at least she knows I will be there the second she wants me there.
I think all of us are still trying to come to grips with this new reality. There are days when it doesn't feel real. When I call her and she sounds energetic, happy, and like her old self... And then there are days when I call her and the pain has gotten to her. She sounds exhausted and talks about only having little bursts of energy before having to lie down on the couch and rest. If you know my mom, you will know that this is not like my mother. Her idea of relaxing while watching TV is to jump up the second a commercial comes on and clean something.. Heck, even watching a DVD, she would have you pause it every now and then while she went off to clean up the kitchen or the bathroom or the invisible dust on the dining room table. So to hear her admit to resting and to feeling as though her house is falling apart because she is so behind on her "chores"... really brings home how awful she feels some days..
But we're still trying to focus on the positive. I know, on here, it may sound like all I have is sadness and negativity, but this is just where I come to dump all that out so that I can focus on positivity and good vibes. I can focus on what needs doing around my own house, on taking care of my family, and on being positive when I talk to my mom so that she doesn't have to add me to the list of things to worry about. Most days are easy.. and then there are days where I just randomly start crying and thinking this journey will be the hardest thing I've ever had to watch a family member endure. I just... don't know how to feel/deal with this some days. It's not MY body. It's not MY fight.. so how am I supposed to feel? Because feeling sad/angry/fearful feels so selfish to me. Almost as if I'm thinking "Yeah, you have cancer, but what about ME?". And the last thing I want is to have any selfishness through this. It's NOT about me. It's NOT about my fear/sadness/anger... it's all about my mom and how I can help her..
This is all randomness today. Just like my thoughts lately. I think I said, last post, that her surgery is scheduled for 11-11-11. I'm going to choose that to be a good sign though it makes my birthday on 11-12-11 a little more depressing and the first birthday I really dread. She said the surgery will be about 4-5 hours long. They'll remove half her liver (did you know that they can take that much of the liver because, in time, it will grow back?), all of her gallbladder, and hopefully all of that damn tumor. She said she'll try to call me on my birthday, but I told her not to worry about it. I would rather her sleep and recover than worry about getting a hold of me so long as someone calls me after the surgery to tell me how everything went. I may not be able to be there, to hold her hand before and after surgery, but I'll be lighting at least one candle for her and praying over her before, during, and after her surgery. This year, for my birthday, I just want that tumor completely removed for my mom. That would be the best birthday present ever.
(Sorry for the jumbled thoughts. Welcome to my brain.)
I just feel so tied up and far away down here. I hate the distance and I hate the helplessness that comes with it. I think if I was single, without Phoenix, I would most likely drop my job, pack my bags, and move up to Idaho indefinitely. I would find a job there, willingly work minimum wage, if it meant I could be there with her and help out in whatever way I could. I admit, I'm tempted to do it anyway. To drop everything and move up there until this whole thing passes... But I have created my own little family and it's neither right nor fair to drop them so I can go be with my mother indefinitely. But my heart is up there and at least she knows I will be there the second she wants me there.
I think all of us are still trying to come to grips with this new reality. There are days when it doesn't feel real. When I call her and she sounds energetic, happy, and like her old self... And then there are days when I call her and the pain has gotten to her. She sounds exhausted and talks about only having little bursts of energy before having to lie down on the couch and rest. If you know my mom, you will know that this is not like my mother. Her idea of relaxing while watching TV is to jump up the second a commercial comes on and clean something.. Heck, even watching a DVD, she would have you pause it every now and then while she went off to clean up the kitchen or the bathroom or the invisible dust on the dining room table. So to hear her admit to resting and to feeling as though her house is falling apart because she is so behind on her "chores"... really brings home how awful she feels some days..
But we're still trying to focus on the positive. I know, on here, it may sound like all I have is sadness and negativity, but this is just where I come to dump all that out so that I can focus on positivity and good vibes. I can focus on what needs doing around my own house, on taking care of my family, and on being positive when I talk to my mom so that she doesn't have to add me to the list of things to worry about. Most days are easy.. and then there are days where I just randomly start crying and thinking this journey will be the hardest thing I've ever had to watch a family member endure. I just... don't know how to feel/deal with this some days. It's not MY body. It's not MY fight.. so how am I supposed to feel? Because feeling sad/angry/fearful feels so selfish to me. Almost as if I'm thinking "Yeah, you have cancer, but what about ME?". And the last thing I want is to have any selfishness through this. It's NOT about me. It's NOT about my fear/sadness/anger... it's all about my mom and how I can help her..
This is all randomness today. Just like my thoughts lately. I think I said, last post, that her surgery is scheduled for 11-11-11. I'm going to choose that to be a good sign though it makes my birthday on 11-12-11 a little more depressing and the first birthday I really dread. She said the surgery will be about 4-5 hours long. They'll remove half her liver (did you know that they can take that much of the liver because, in time, it will grow back?), all of her gallbladder, and hopefully all of that damn tumor. She said she'll try to call me on my birthday, but I told her not to worry about it. I would rather her sleep and recover than worry about getting a hold of me so long as someone calls me after the surgery to tell me how everything went. I may not be able to be there, to hold her hand before and after surgery, but I'll be lighting at least one candle for her and praying over her before, during, and after her surgery. This year, for my birthday, I just want that tumor completely removed for my mom. That would be the best birthday present ever.
(Sorry for the jumbled thoughts. Welcome to my brain.)
Thursday, October 27, 2011
And now... The News
My mother will have surgery November 11 to remove the tumor in her liver/bile duct. They have finally determined the only source of cancer is located in the bile duct. Unfortunately, it is an aggressive type of cancer and will need to be treated with chemotherapy and radiation after her surgeon clears her for treatment. It should take about 6 weeks for her to heal after her surgery and then, I'm assuming, is when they'll start chemo and radiation.
I finally talked to my father today and told him the news. Even though they have been divorced since I was eleven, he took it kinda hard. Of course, it didn't help that after I told him my bad news, he had to tell me his bad news. My grandma, 92, is in the hospital and will be having surgery on Monday to fix her colon. She also has pretty serious Alzheimer's and is rather weak all ready. He doubts she'll make it out of surgery. Dad's pretty sad about it and is dealing with a lot of regret and guilt over not seeing them/ talking to them as much as he could have/should have. I feel my news about my mom didn't help and now worry about him a bit.
This is where I wish I could clone myself and have the power to fly. I'd be in California with my grandma and grandpa... I'd be in Idaho with my mom.. I'd be in Mississippi with my dad to hang out and comfort him.. and I'd still be down here, taking care of Phoenix and whatnot. I just, at this time, feel emotionally drained. I was wrestling with my emotions when it came to my mom and now I'm wrestling with the emotions that come up when I think about my dad and my grandma. To say I'm dreading the next few weeks would be an understatement.. I'm really scared to see what the next few weeks/months bring us. I'm having a hard time grabbing onto the positive and carrying it in my heart and mind everyday.
Truth is, I'm definitely more worried for my mother than I am about my grandma or my dad. My relationship with my mom is by far stronger than the ones I have with my grandma and dad... I Googled her type of cancer and it seems like the odds aren't really in her favor... But I keep having this scene/quote from Dumb and Dumber roll through my head. It's the scene where Jim Carrey's character is asking the female lead what his chances of being with her are... And she responds something like "One in a million"... Camera pans to his face, you expect him to be heartbroken, but he gets this huge shit-eating grin and says "Soooo, you're saying I have a chance?!?".... So yeah, if I read right, her chance isn't the best, but there's still a chance that one day, we'll be able to look back and talk about this journey and be thankful we all survived.. And she'll live for a very long time.. There's still a chance, hope, and a prayer.. And I have to remind myself that I need to hold onto that and carry it with me when the doubt and fear start to take over.
I'm sad. I'm scared. I'm unsure of the future. I feel helpless. I feel angry. Angry at myself for feeling fear. Angry that I'm so far away and unable to be there to help and support. But there is hope. There is a chance.. and I have faith. I have faith I'll be what I need to be to help my family through the next few months. I have faith in my mom and her team of Dr.'s. And I have faith that this new path may be full of shadows and doubt, but there is light just around the corner.
I finally talked to my father today and told him the news. Even though they have been divorced since I was eleven, he took it kinda hard. Of course, it didn't help that after I told him my bad news, he had to tell me his bad news. My grandma, 92, is in the hospital and will be having surgery on Monday to fix her colon. She also has pretty serious Alzheimer's and is rather weak all ready. He doubts she'll make it out of surgery. Dad's pretty sad about it and is dealing with a lot of regret and guilt over not seeing them/ talking to them as much as he could have/should have. I feel my news about my mom didn't help and now worry about him a bit.
This is where I wish I could clone myself and have the power to fly. I'd be in California with my grandma and grandpa... I'd be in Idaho with my mom.. I'd be in Mississippi with my dad to hang out and comfort him.. and I'd still be down here, taking care of Phoenix and whatnot. I just, at this time, feel emotionally drained. I was wrestling with my emotions when it came to my mom and now I'm wrestling with the emotions that come up when I think about my dad and my grandma. To say I'm dreading the next few weeks would be an understatement.. I'm really scared to see what the next few weeks/months bring us. I'm having a hard time grabbing onto the positive and carrying it in my heart and mind everyday.
Truth is, I'm definitely more worried for my mother than I am about my grandma or my dad. My relationship with my mom is by far stronger than the ones I have with my grandma and dad... I Googled her type of cancer and it seems like the odds aren't really in her favor... But I keep having this scene/quote from Dumb and Dumber roll through my head. It's the scene where Jim Carrey's character is asking the female lead what his chances of being with her are... And she responds something like "One in a million"... Camera pans to his face, you expect him to be heartbroken, but he gets this huge shit-eating grin and says "Soooo, you're saying I have a chance?!?".... So yeah, if I read right, her chance isn't the best, but there's still a chance that one day, we'll be able to look back and talk about this journey and be thankful we all survived.. And she'll live for a very long time.. There's still a chance, hope, and a prayer.. And I have to remind myself that I need to hold onto that and carry it with me when the doubt and fear start to take over.
I'm sad. I'm scared. I'm unsure of the future. I feel helpless. I feel angry. Angry at myself for feeling fear. Angry that I'm so far away and unable to be there to help and support. But there is hope. There is a chance.. and I have faith. I have faith I'll be what I need to be to help my family through the next few months. I have faith in my mom and her team of Dr.'s. And I have faith that this new path may be full of shadows and doubt, but there is light just around the corner.
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