My mother will have surgery November 11 to remove the tumor in her liver/bile duct. They have finally determined the only source of cancer is located in the bile duct. Unfortunately, it is an aggressive type of cancer and will need to be treated with chemotherapy and radiation after her surgeon clears her for treatment. It should take about 6 weeks for her to heal after her surgery and then, I'm assuming, is when they'll start chemo and radiation.
I finally talked to my father today and told him the news. Even though they have been divorced since I was eleven, he took it kinda hard. Of course, it didn't help that after I told him my bad news, he had to tell me his bad news. My grandma, 92, is in the hospital and will be having surgery on Monday to fix her colon. She also has pretty serious Alzheimer's and is rather weak all ready. He doubts she'll make it out of surgery. Dad's pretty sad about it and is dealing with a lot of regret and guilt over not seeing them/ talking to them as much as he could have/should have. I feel my news about my mom didn't help and now worry about him a bit.
This is where I wish I could clone myself and have the power to fly. I'd be in California with my grandma and grandpa... I'd be in Idaho with my mom.. I'd be in Mississippi with my dad to hang out and comfort him.. and I'd still be down here, taking care of Phoenix and whatnot. I just, at this time, feel emotionally drained. I was wrestling with my emotions when it came to my mom and now I'm wrestling with the emotions that come up when I think about my dad and my grandma. To say I'm dreading the next few weeks would be an understatement.. I'm really scared to see what the next few weeks/months bring us. I'm having a hard time grabbing onto the positive and carrying it in my heart and mind everyday.
Truth is, I'm definitely more worried for my mother than I am about my grandma or my dad. My relationship with my mom is by far stronger than the ones I have with my grandma and dad... I Googled her type of cancer and it seems like the odds aren't really in her favor... But I keep having this scene/quote from Dumb and Dumber roll through my head. It's the scene where Jim Carrey's character is asking the female lead what his chances of being with her are... And she responds something like "One in a million"... Camera pans to his face, you expect him to be heartbroken, but he gets this huge shit-eating grin and says "Soooo, you're saying I have a chance?!?".... So yeah, if I read right, her chance isn't the best, but there's still a chance that one day, we'll be able to look back and talk about this journey and be thankful we all survived.. And she'll live for a very long time.. There's still a chance, hope, and a prayer.. And I have to remind myself that I need to hold onto that and carry it with me when the doubt and fear start to take over.
I'm sad. I'm scared. I'm unsure of the future. I feel helpless. I feel angry. Angry at myself for feeling fear. Angry that I'm so far away and unable to be there to help and support. But there is hope. There is a chance.. and I have faith. I have faith I'll be what I need to be to help my family through the next few months. I have faith in my mom and her team of Dr.'s. And I have faith that this new path may be full of shadows and doubt, but there is light just around the corner.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
The "C" Word
It's a word that causes heart pounding fear. A word that ushers in "What if.." and "How will..." and many other, terrible emotions. It's a word you hear in passing and always think "But for the grace of God, go I". It's a word that we joke about, say everyone will experience it, but also say a quick prayer, cross our fingers that our loved ones and ourselves will never be visited by it.
Cancer
It's a vile word. Fives letters, but a word so big, it could make your heart stop and your lungs struggle for air. We say we've come a long way, the medicines today beat cancer more than not, but still.. that word takes you to the dark corners of your mind and you contemplate life before and after it became such a scary, dreadful reality. You wonder if it will be beaten back, destroyed, and triumphed over... or if those five letters will destroy your heart, your life, and your world.
It's something my family is facing as we find out my mom has a cancerous tumor in her liver. A three inch, fatty tumor that has been causing her pain and grief for a few months now. Not the silly gall bladder issues we thought she was experiencing.. It's this tumor in her liver, by a bile duct, causing all the drama. Not liver cancer. No. This tumor is a traveler and was just visiting, perhaps relocating, to the liver. That vile word lurks somewhere else. Colon? Thyroid? Bladder? So many places that word can strike and now we're left to deal with that word and the aftermath as more tests are done to determine its hiding place.
What do we know so far? We know this tumor has to go. We know my mom will undergo more tests to define the type of monster we will fight. We know that she will still not feel well nor be able to drink the wine she loves or eat a lot of the food she enjoys. We know we will say that we will keep it light, keep it positive, and pray for the best outcome while we try to banish the "What if" thoughts from the dark corners of our minds. We will look at news stories of those who have passed from cancer and say "This will not be our story. We will it so and so it will be". And we will pray, hands clasped, on our knees that we will have a survivor's story to tell during holidays and vacations.
We don't know the type or the future treatment. We don't know how long this will effect us. We don't know how this will effect my mom... How this will effect our family.
Tonight I cry.. in fear, in sadness, in anger, in disbelief. Tonight I want nothing more than to fly up there, crawl into bed with her, and cry on her shoulder as she comforts me and I comfort her. I want to talk about it.. and I want to ignore it. I want to know that I'll have her for years and years to come because I don't want to be a daughter without her mother. I want comfort and I want to be alone.
Tomorrow, I will wash my puffy eyes, give my son more hugs than normal, and focus on positive thinking and positive outcomes. I will lock away the fear and sadness.. and focus on sending prayers of health, energy, and love to my mother. When I start to feel doubt or fear or sadness I will close my eyes and envision my mom wrapped in healing, energy, and light as I repeat
"I will wrap you in the yellow light of health and happiness.
I will wrap you in the green light of energy and health.
I will wrap you in the red light of love and warmth."
It may sound silly, but it's something I've done for years for myself, friends, and family who have been sick or in need.
It can't hurt, eh?
Cancer
It's a vile word. Fives letters, but a word so big, it could make your heart stop and your lungs struggle for air. We say we've come a long way, the medicines today beat cancer more than not, but still.. that word takes you to the dark corners of your mind and you contemplate life before and after it became such a scary, dreadful reality. You wonder if it will be beaten back, destroyed, and triumphed over... or if those five letters will destroy your heart, your life, and your world.
It's something my family is facing as we find out my mom has a cancerous tumor in her liver. A three inch, fatty tumor that has been causing her pain and grief for a few months now. Not the silly gall bladder issues we thought she was experiencing.. It's this tumor in her liver, by a bile duct, causing all the drama. Not liver cancer. No. This tumor is a traveler and was just visiting, perhaps relocating, to the liver. That vile word lurks somewhere else. Colon? Thyroid? Bladder? So many places that word can strike and now we're left to deal with that word and the aftermath as more tests are done to determine its hiding place.
What do we know so far? We know this tumor has to go. We know my mom will undergo more tests to define the type of monster we will fight. We know that she will still not feel well nor be able to drink the wine she loves or eat a lot of the food she enjoys. We know we will say that we will keep it light, keep it positive, and pray for the best outcome while we try to banish the "What if" thoughts from the dark corners of our minds. We will look at news stories of those who have passed from cancer and say "This will not be our story. We will it so and so it will be". And we will pray, hands clasped, on our knees that we will have a survivor's story to tell during holidays and vacations.
We don't know the type or the future treatment. We don't know how long this will effect us. We don't know how this will effect my mom... How this will effect our family.
Tonight I cry.. in fear, in sadness, in anger, in disbelief. Tonight I want nothing more than to fly up there, crawl into bed with her, and cry on her shoulder as she comforts me and I comfort her. I want to talk about it.. and I want to ignore it. I want to know that I'll have her for years and years to come because I don't want to be a daughter without her mother. I want comfort and I want to be alone.
Tomorrow, I will wash my puffy eyes, give my son more hugs than normal, and focus on positive thinking and positive outcomes. I will lock away the fear and sadness.. and focus on sending prayers of health, energy, and love to my mother. When I start to feel doubt or fear or sadness I will close my eyes and envision my mom wrapped in healing, energy, and light as I repeat
"I will wrap you in the yellow light of health and happiness.
I will wrap you in the green light of energy and health.
I will wrap you in the red light of love and warmth."
It may sound silly, but it's something I've done for years for myself, friends, and family who have been sick or in need.
It can't hurt, eh?
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