You're probably in Spokane now. Or getting ready to be in Spokane soon. I hope your anxiety is low today and your drive over was smooth. I didn't get to tell you everything I wanted to, yesterday, when we talked on the phone. So here's what I wanted to say:
* I love you and I still need you in my life. Who else could I call for advice for everything from cooking to being a parent?
* I miss you. I hate that it's been so long since we've been able to see each other. I miss your hugs, your laugh, and the way you always compliment me and make me feel wonderful.
* You may not like to hear it, nor believe it, but you are such a strong, beautiful woman. I've always been amazed by your beauty and strength. You've held us together through tough times and still managed to have a positive attitude, a smile on your face, and love to share.
* I am scared for you, Tony, and the rest of us. Mostly for you. I try hard not to be, but there are times when the fear creeps up.
* We will have a get together in spring, will take a lot of pictures, have a lot of laughs, and give a lot of hugs.
* I don't want to celebrate my birthday until I know you're going to be okay.
* I don't want a present from you. I just want you.
* One of my favorite memories of you is when you would dance with me.. Even when I was "too grown up" and you'd try to get me to dance with you and then we would laugh. I'll never be too grown to dance with you.
* Whenever I hear Phoenix singing or humming to himself, I automatically think of you and smile. He, too, has his happy song that he sings/hums whenever he is happy.
* I can't wait for you to see, hug, and play with Phoenix when we come visit. He takes my breath away at least once a day and I love him more and more as time goes by.
* When I grow up, I want to be like you.
I know things will go well, but I will pray and think about you from now until I hear everything went exceedingly well during surgery. Tell them how important you are and that they must do 10000% better than their best for you. Tell them to pamper you and take care of you so you can rest, heal, and begin to finally feel better.
I love you. I love you. I love you a million times more. Thank you for being my mom and I look forward to talking to you soon. You are in my heart, my thoughts, and my prayers from now until forever. Don't worry about me. Focus on you and call me when you can.
Love,
Me
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Random Thoughts
In talking to my mom the other day, I was finally able to express a fear that I've had but haven't admitted to.. We were talking about spring and about the plan for the family down here to fly up there and spend time with Mom and Tony. I really, really wish I could fly up there now, tomorrow, or in December.. but reality is that she's going to be going through a rough time and having a four year old and her daughter around will not, exactly, make for relaxing conditions. I know my mom. And I know how stressed/depressed she would be if we were up there while she feels like crap and can't do all the things she would want to do. But, I guess, my fear is that things will be bad and she won't tell me she needs me before it's too late.. So i was finally able to tell her and get her to promise if she needs me then she will tell me... and I promise to be there immediately. I don't even mean if her health gets worse and she thinks her time is short.. I just mean if she's getting down and out, I will be there within a heartbeat to help in any way I can.
I just feel so tied up and far away down here. I hate the distance and I hate the helplessness that comes with it. I think if I was single, without Phoenix, I would most likely drop my job, pack my bags, and move up to Idaho indefinitely. I would find a job there, willingly work minimum wage, if it meant I could be there with her and help out in whatever way I could. I admit, I'm tempted to do it anyway. To drop everything and move up there until this whole thing passes... But I have created my own little family and it's neither right nor fair to drop them so I can go be with my mother indefinitely. But my heart is up there and at least she knows I will be there the second she wants me there.
I think all of us are still trying to come to grips with this new reality. There are days when it doesn't feel real. When I call her and she sounds energetic, happy, and like her old self... And then there are days when I call her and the pain has gotten to her. She sounds exhausted and talks about only having little bursts of energy before having to lie down on the couch and rest. If you know my mom, you will know that this is not like my mother. Her idea of relaxing while watching TV is to jump up the second a commercial comes on and clean something.. Heck, even watching a DVD, she would have you pause it every now and then while she went off to clean up the kitchen or the bathroom or the invisible dust on the dining room table. So to hear her admit to resting and to feeling as though her house is falling apart because she is so behind on her "chores"... really brings home how awful she feels some days..
But we're still trying to focus on the positive. I know, on here, it may sound like all I have is sadness and negativity, but this is just where I come to dump all that out so that I can focus on positivity and good vibes. I can focus on what needs doing around my own house, on taking care of my family, and on being positive when I talk to my mom so that she doesn't have to add me to the list of things to worry about. Most days are easy.. and then there are days where I just randomly start crying and thinking this journey will be the hardest thing I've ever had to watch a family member endure. I just... don't know how to feel/deal with this some days. It's not MY body. It's not MY fight.. so how am I supposed to feel? Because feeling sad/angry/fearful feels so selfish to me. Almost as if I'm thinking "Yeah, you have cancer, but what about ME?". And the last thing I want is to have any selfishness through this. It's NOT about me. It's NOT about my fear/sadness/anger... it's all about my mom and how I can help her..
This is all randomness today. Just like my thoughts lately. I think I said, last post, that her surgery is scheduled for 11-11-11. I'm going to choose that to be a good sign though it makes my birthday on 11-12-11 a little more depressing and the first birthday I really dread. She said the surgery will be about 4-5 hours long. They'll remove half her liver (did you know that they can take that much of the liver because, in time, it will grow back?), all of her gallbladder, and hopefully all of that damn tumor. She said she'll try to call me on my birthday, but I told her not to worry about it. I would rather her sleep and recover than worry about getting a hold of me so long as someone calls me after the surgery to tell me how everything went. I may not be able to be there, to hold her hand before and after surgery, but I'll be lighting at least one candle for her and praying over her before, during, and after her surgery. This year, for my birthday, I just want that tumor completely removed for my mom. That would be the best birthday present ever.
(Sorry for the jumbled thoughts. Welcome to my brain.)
I just feel so tied up and far away down here. I hate the distance and I hate the helplessness that comes with it. I think if I was single, without Phoenix, I would most likely drop my job, pack my bags, and move up to Idaho indefinitely. I would find a job there, willingly work minimum wage, if it meant I could be there with her and help out in whatever way I could. I admit, I'm tempted to do it anyway. To drop everything and move up there until this whole thing passes... But I have created my own little family and it's neither right nor fair to drop them so I can go be with my mother indefinitely. But my heart is up there and at least she knows I will be there the second she wants me there.
I think all of us are still trying to come to grips with this new reality. There are days when it doesn't feel real. When I call her and she sounds energetic, happy, and like her old self... And then there are days when I call her and the pain has gotten to her. She sounds exhausted and talks about only having little bursts of energy before having to lie down on the couch and rest. If you know my mom, you will know that this is not like my mother. Her idea of relaxing while watching TV is to jump up the second a commercial comes on and clean something.. Heck, even watching a DVD, she would have you pause it every now and then while she went off to clean up the kitchen or the bathroom or the invisible dust on the dining room table. So to hear her admit to resting and to feeling as though her house is falling apart because she is so behind on her "chores"... really brings home how awful she feels some days..
But we're still trying to focus on the positive. I know, on here, it may sound like all I have is sadness and negativity, but this is just where I come to dump all that out so that I can focus on positivity and good vibes. I can focus on what needs doing around my own house, on taking care of my family, and on being positive when I talk to my mom so that she doesn't have to add me to the list of things to worry about. Most days are easy.. and then there are days where I just randomly start crying and thinking this journey will be the hardest thing I've ever had to watch a family member endure. I just... don't know how to feel/deal with this some days. It's not MY body. It's not MY fight.. so how am I supposed to feel? Because feeling sad/angry/fearful feels so selfish to me. Almost as if I'm thinking "Yeah, you have cancer, but what about ME?". And the last thing I want is to have any selfishness through this. It's NOT about me. It's NOT about my fear/sadness/anger... it's all about my mom and how I can help her..
This is all randomness today. Just like my thoughts lately. I think I said, last post, that her surgery is scheduled for 11-11-11. I'm going to choose that to be a good sign though it makes my birthday on 11-12-11 a little more depressing and the first birthday I really dread. She said the surgery will be about 4-5 hours long. They'll remove half her liver (did you know that they can take that much of the liver because, in time, it will grow back?), all of her gallbladder, and hopefully all of that damn tumor. She said she'll try to call me on my birthday, but I told her not to worry about it. I would rather her sleep and recover than worry about getting a hold of me so long as someone calls me after the surgery to tell me how everything went. I may not be able to be there, to hold her hand before and after surgery, but I'll be lighting at least one candle for her and praying over her before, during, and after her surgery. This year, for my birthday, I just want that tumor completely removed for my mom. That would be the best birthday present ever.
(Sorry for the jumbled thoughts. Welcome to my brain.)
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