This week, I have been angry. I AM angry. So angry right now. I hate cancer. I hate what it does to families, to individuals, to one's body. I hate that cancer is a six letter word because it doesn't describe all the various types of cancer, all the various realities that come along with it. It needs to be bigger, harder to spell, difficult to pronounce. It needs to sound meaner, scarier, harsher.
With Mom's cancer coming back... it leaves me facing a darker reality. Her option, now, is chemotherapy.. and if that doesn't work.. an experimental surgery with lasers.. But even if chemotherapy works, we might, MIGHT, get two years... Just 24 months. Is it 2 years from today? 2 years from the end of the chemo? 2 years from last year ago? I know that we are not guaranteed to see tomorrow.. but to hear someone say you might only get 2 more years sounds so much scarier than to hear someone say we might not see tomorrow. 2 years is everything and nothing to me at the moment.
I'm angry that time goes so fast. I'm angry that it takes one full day of travel to get to where she is.. and I'm angry that it feels so far away from her. I'm angry that she's 57, I'm 30, and that life seems too short. I'm angry at the thoughts that whisper in my head... that weigh heavy on my heart and go where I don't want to go. I'm angry at the feeling that I need to hurry, to go, to be there because I feel like I'm losing her and I'm running out of time. I'm angry that I took so much for granted over the years. That I was young and dumb and wasted so much time.
I'm angry that I feel torn and that I almost wish someone would tell me to stay or go. I'm angry that I'm not there and I'm angry that I have to choose between my little family and my mother. (Note: No one is making me choose as I have nothing but support from my "little family" as to what I need to do.. when I feel I need to do it.. and for how long I feel I need to go..) I can't explain to my four year old that Mommy wants to leave to be with her Mommy for who knows how long. Is it even right to want to leave and not come back in a week? To leave my kiddo behind because I can't take care of him and of her at the same time? I'm angry that I don't have the time to break down and cry. I'm angry that I get told "Don't be sad" and "It'll be fine". I WANT it to be fine... but I want to scream "What if it's NOT? What do I DO?"
I'm angry because I feel selfish. I feel guilty. She's taken such good care of me and I'm not there to take care of her during this ordeal. I'm angry because I'm scared.. I want to believe it will all be okay. I pray for healing, strength, and miracles every day. I pray she will become a walking, talking, miracle.. And I'm angry that this little voice in my head whispers doubt and plays out little scenarios that do not have a happy ending. I'm angry that, through this, one thought always comes back.. "I'm not ready to be a woman without her mother". I'm angry that my son won't have the same relationship with my mom as he does and will have with Juan's mom. I'm angry that she may not be able to tell my kid(s) my story. My life through her eyes. That she won't be around for as long as I always thought she would.
I'm angry at her for not being fully open with me. For leading me on with positive reports when reality is beginning to crash down on us. For letting me think I'd get another 10 or 20 years with her. I'm angry with myself... For being angry with her.
I fucking hate cancer.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Thursday, June 7, 2012
On Faith
So much for writing every day. Long story short, my mother's cancer is back.. It was back before we could even say, for sure, it was gone. She is, right now, getting a procedure done (4th or 5th time for this particular procedure) to try to drain excess bile fluid that is back-flowing into her liver. It was determined that there are most likely cancerous tumors blocking her bile duct again and causing this back-flow of fluid, her jaundice, pain, and exhaustion. She will also meet with a Seattle oncologist this week for a second opinion and, hopefully, a treatment plan that she can take back to her regular doctors in Idaho.
Phoenix and I were able to spend 10 days with her and my step-dad this month. Most of those days were spent in Seattle while she had procedures done to try to unblock her bile duct. They didn't work exactly and the doctors had to create a drain in her liver.. Today's stop in Seattle is to, hopefully, put in a bigger tube to drain more fluid faster and help alleviate her jaundice and whatnot. The trip was great in the sense that we got to finally, after more than two years, see each other, hug, and just spend time with each other. Stressful in the sense that I had to entertain my four year old for a few days in Seattle and figure out affordable things to do in walking distance or shuttle distance of our motel. But it was worth my time, stress, and $ to see my mom, share memories, create memories, and just be with her again. I didn't want to leave even though I longed for my house and my bed.
This post is supposed to be a little bit about faith. I've never really been one to stand on corners and proclaim in a loud voice my faith and beliefs. I've always just kept quiet and really only shared my thoughts when really moved to do so or when talking with good friends. I will say that during the past year, with my mom being sick and diagnosed with cancer, I have leaned on my faith even more. I have tried hard not to pray for specifics, but to pray for wisdom, strength, and the ability to be the person my mom would need during this time. I'm not in the ditches, first hand, to experience everything my mom is going through and, maybe, that's why I haven't felt anger at God specificallyor the need to question my faith... I've just had to hold on tight, close my eyes, and trust that we will get through this and see a bright future soon.
I think one reason why I haven't doubted my faith is that I feel I've gotten little messages along the way. I've also never really been one to talk to strangers unless it was about something trivial... like the weather or the bad customer service... or the weirdo creeping everyone out. But I've found myself talking about my mom's illness to people and have been blessed to have so many strangers tell me how they're praying/pulling for my mom. Her name has been added to prayer lists.. Strangers have bowed their heads before me and said quick, powerful prayers for her health. And every time, even if they go home and forget to pray for her, every time someone has said "I will pray for your mom", I feel as though it's a little message from God. That he is sending his prayer warriors to me to remind me that we are not alone and that He has not forgotten us.
I've even had people of different religions send me love and well wishes for my mom.. I think it's absolutely beautiful and am completely humbled and awed by those people willing to take a few seconds to care about my mom. Complete strangers, some of them, asking her name and sending her love and healing in whatever form they choose. It makes me feel connected to something greater than myself and it gives me hope that things will soon be better. It strengthens me during my weak moments and it makes me strive to pass on the goodwill by praying for those I come across that need help for various reasons. It's made me commit myself to going back to church, to finding a deeper, more personal path of faith, and holding on, tighter than ever, to the belief that we will have many, many years with my mom and that this will soon just be a speed bump we will briefly talk about now and then throughout the years.
Phoenix and I were able to spend 10 days with her and my step-dad this month. Most of those days were spent in Seattle while she had procedures done to try to unblock her bile duct. They didn't work exactly and the doctors had to create a drain in her liver.. Today's stop in Seattle is to, hopefully, put in a bigger tube to drain more fluid faster and help alleviate her jaundice and whatnot. The trip was great in the sense that we got to finally, after more than two years, see each other, hug, and just spend time with each other. Stressful in the sense that I had to entertain my four year old for a few days in Seattle and figure out affordable things to do in walking distance or shuttle distance of our motel. But it was worth my time, stress, and $ to see my mom, share memories, create memories, and just be with her again. I didn't want to leave even though I longed for my house and my bed.
This post is supposed to be a little bit about faith. I've never really been one to stand on corners and proclaim in a loud voice my faith and beliefs. I've always just kept quiet and really only shared my thoughts when really moved to do so or when talking with good friends. I will say that during the past year, with my mom being sick and diagnosed with cancer, I have leaned on my faith even more. I have tried hard not to pray for specifics, but to pray for wisdom, strength, and the ability to be the person my mom would need during this time. I'm not in the ditches, first hand, to experience everything my mom is going through and, maybe, that's why I haven't felt anger at God specificallyor the need to question my faith... I've just had to hold on tight, close my eyes, and trust that we will get through this and see a bright future soon.
I think one reason why I haven't doubted my faith is that I feel I've gotten little messages along the way. I've also never really been one to talk to strangers unless it was about something trivial... like the weather or the bad customer service... or the weirdo creeping everyone out. But I've found myself talking about my mom's illness to people and have been blessed to have so many strangers tell me how they're praying/pulling for my mom. Her name has been added to prayer lists.. Strangers have bowed their heads before me and said quick, powerful prayers for her health. And every time, even if they go home and forget to pray for her, every time someone has said "I will pray for your mom", I feel as though it's a little message from God. That he is sending his prayer warriors to me to remind me that we are not alone and that He has not forgotten us.
I've even had people of different religions send me love and well wishes for my mom.. I think it's absolutely beautiful and am completely humbled and awed by those people willing to take a few seconds to care about my mom. Complete strangers, some of them, asking her name and sending her love and healing in whatever form they choose. It makes me feel connected to something greater than myself and it gives me hope that things will soon be better. It strengthens me during my weak moments and it makes me strive to pass on the goodwill by praying for those I come across that need help for various reasons. It's made me commit myself to going back to church, to finding a deeper, more personal path of faith, and holding on, tighter than ever, to the belief that we will have many, many years with my mom and that this will soon just be a speed bump we will briefly talk about now and then throughout the years.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Change
I used to say I was terrible with change. Hated it. Tried to avoid it as much as possible. Fought change until I couldn't fight anymore. Funny. Because now I have learned to embrace it... even if there is a little bit of bittersweet to go with the excitement of change.
What am I talking about? A lot of things. Juan and I are very close to figuring out where we want to be in a year or so. (Location wise.) It's narrowed down but is still a matter of job and logistics. I'm uber excited though a little sad to think of leaving Lubbock... okay.. Really, just leaving my gym. I am in love with working out in my gym's pool every day. However, I know this isn't our "forever" home and am eager to find our spot of heaven and get a place with a backyard before my kid's too old to play outside.
Life is changing for my mom as well. She's doing pretty well with the radiation treatments and those will be winding down this week. Once she recovers from the fatigue and whatnot, she'll hopefully start to feel like her old self and it will be just in time for a visit from her one and only daughter (er, me) and her awesome grandson. We talked a little last night about the future for her and she said she wasn't going to go back to work. Due to her diagnosis, she will, in a way, retire early. She said this really made her think about life and how she doesn't want a stressful, thankless job now that she's had to kind of fight for her life. Her and my step-dad decided to put their little peace of heaven up for sale due to the not-so-wonderful winters and the distance from "civilization". It's exciting because they hope to move down to Florida (though I am lobbying hard for Texas re-location) and will be closer to us than they are in Idaho now. But it's sad because I know they love their Idaho property and that place just has this wonderful sense of peace and beauty to it that will be hard to replicate anywhere. But, ya know, they're getting older and they decided it's more important to make those memories with their scattered family than to spend the rest of their years up in Idaho without us. I get it. I support it, but I think I'll be a little sad on my trip up there because I love that spot of heaven..
So, this next year is anyone's guess as to where Juan and I'll be living, where my mom and step-dad will be, and what we'll be doing. But it's also exciting to think and dream about our future and to work towards goals that have always felt so far away. I hope to be done with my associate's before the end of 2012 and might start trying to get my foot in the door at a clinic or hospital as I begin to work on my bachelor's. Phoenix is almost done with his first year of preschool and might start full-day preschool next year depending on where we are. Life is changing. It's all good, but a little bittersweet as I think about the things we'll say goodbye to. Luckily, the excitement about the things we'll say hello to completely outweighs the little bittersweet feeling.
What am I talking about? A lot of things. Juan and I are very close to figuring out where we want to be in a year or so. (Location wise.) It's narrowed down but is still a matter of job and logistics. I'm uber excited though a little sad to think of leaving Lubbock... okay.. Really, just leaving my gym. I am in love with working out in my gym's pool every day. However, I know this isn't our "forever" home and am eager to find our spot of heaven and get a place with a backyard before my kid's too old to play outside.
Life is changing for my mom as well. She's doing pretty well with the radiation treatments and those will be winding down this week. Once she recovers from the fatigue and whatnot, she'll hopefully start to feel like her old self and it will be just in time for a visit from her one and only daughter (er, me) and her awesome grandson. We talked a little last night about the future for her and she said she wasn't going to go back to work. Due to her diagnosis, she will, in a way, retire early. She said this really made her think about life and how she doesn't want a stressful, thankless job now that she's had to kind of fight for her life. Her and my step-dad decided to put their little peace of heaven up for sale due to the not-so-wonderful winters and the distance from "civilization". It's exciting because they hope to move down to Florida (though I am lobbying hard for Texas re-location) and will be closer to us than they are in Idaho now. But it's sad because I know they love their Idaho property and that place just has this wonderful sense of peace and beauty to it that will be hard to replicate anywhere. But, ya know, they're getting older and they decided it's more important to make those memories with their scattered family than to spend the rest of their years up in Idaho without us. I get it. I support it, but I think I'll be a little sad on my trip up there because I love that spot of heaven..
So, this next year is anyone's guess as to where Juan and I'll be living, where my mom and step-dad will be, and what we'll be doing. But it's also exciting to think and dream about our future and to work towards goals that have always felt so far away. I hope to be done with my associate's before the end of 2012 and might start trying to get my foot in the door at a clinic or hospital as I begin to work on my bachelor's. Phoenix is almost done with his first year of preschool and might start full-day preschool next year depending on where we are. Life is changing. It's all good, but a little bittersweet as I think about the things we'll say goodbye to. Luckily, the excitement about the things we'll say hello to completely outweighs the little bittersweet feeling.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
On School, Mom, and the Future
School started back up for me on January 13. It's been busy, but not as bad as I thought it was going to be. Right now I have four classes going and one that will start in mid February. With Phoenix in school 3 hours a day, I'm really able to sit down and focus on one class a day in order to stay ahead and maintain the grades I want. After this semester, I'll only need five more classes before graduating with an associate's degree. I plan to finish all that up either at the end of the summer semester or the fall semester depending on class availability and if I can find a way to substitute a class for the chemistry that is required since they only offer that class on campus and I am too far from campus to commute daily.
Mom started her chemo and radiation treatments last Wednesday. She is taking a chemo pill 2 times a day, 7 days a week and receiving radiation treatments 5 days a week for 6 whole weeks. She hasn't been doing too well since starting all that. I guess that's par for the course with those treatments, but it makes me sad and angry that she has to feel so icky. I'm really wanting to be up there but she keeps telling me to wait until spring when she will, hopefully, be feeling better and more able to enjoy my visit. Which I understand, but I want to be there now to help Tony out and help her while she's ill and needing help. I feel so guilty for listening to her and holding off, but I also feel it's my job to listen to her and give her what she's asking for. Even if my gut says to ignore her and come up anyway.
We haven't talked much about her treatments because she chooses not to. We haven't talked about whether or not she has to do this again or if, after 6 weeks, she'll be done for good. There are a lot of questions I want to ask, but if she doesn't want to talk about it, then it's up to me to bite my tongue and think of things she wants to hear for the brief moments I talk to her. I was calling every other day, but have cut back to calling once or twice a week as I worry I'm annoying her and I would hate that. I just worry about her and it's my only way of checking up on her. I can't very well drive over there on a weekend just because I want to. It's times like these where I really hate the physical distance between us.
Speaking of the distance, our future in Lubbock is looking a little shaky. Juan's in a tough industry that lays off a lot of people around this time of year, each year. His company all ready laid off 40% of the main crew in Shreveport and the only thing that's really keeping him employed out here is a test well that everyone is hoping will have good results in the next few weeks. If the news is bad, he'll be out of a job almost certainly and then we'll be at square one. The good thing, though, is that we're preparing for the worst and looking at all our options. Moving back to Louisiana is almost out of the equation. The industry is just too shaky in LA and seems to be drying up with jobs harder and harder to find in oil and gas out there. So, that leaves us with Texas, Pennsylvania, Colorado, and Ohio. We've ruled out Ohio because of snow. (Juan hates the cold.) Pennsylvania would be a "maybe" as in: A company offers Juan money that we just can't refuse and then Juan would do three weeks out and one week off while Phoenix and I move back to Louisiana and stay with Juan's mom. We are undecided about Colorado. I like it because it would put me closer to my mom, but it would also put us further away from Juan' mom and she's the one who needs more help, at the moment. So.. let's talk Texas. Basically, if we can get Juan just a few more months of experience, almost the whole of Texas opens up to us. We're really interested in the Austin area followed by the Ft. Worth/Dallas area. We both really want Austin and Juan's sent out e-mails and resumes to a few companies out there. I could definitely see Austin becoming our home for more than a year.
We really have one more year that we can be "nomadic" until Phoenix has to start Kindergarten. I would like us to be settled down by then and try to give him a few steady years in one school. I remember hating the whole moving and switching schools thing when I was young and would not want to put that on Phoenix. Then again, I also told Juan we will go where we need to go and make a life wherever that may be. Phoenix will adapt and survive and we'll be stronger together no matter what. I actually enjoy moving to new places, now, and get excited to think about the next great adventure. I love Lubbock and am happy to be here, but I'm excited to try another place and make another home somewhere.
I've rambled on enough. Time to knock out some Sociology before I need to pick up the kiddo. Guess I'll throw some housework in there as well. Today's laundry and kitchen day. (Yes, I have my "chores" listed on my phone's calendar so I have a daily reminder of what needs to be done. It really helps me stay on top of everything house related as well as school related.)
Mom started her chemo and radiation treatments last Wednesday. She is taking a chemo pill 2 times a day, 7 days a week and receiving radiation treatments 5 days a week for 6 whole weeks. She hasn't been doing too well since starting all that. I guess that's par for the course with those treatments, but it makes me sad and angry that she has to feel so icky. I'm really wanting to be up there but she keeps telling me to wait until spring when she will, hopefully, be feeling better and more able to enjoy my visit. Which I understand, but I want to be there now to help Tony out and help her while she's ill and needing help. I feel so guilty for listening to her and holding off, but I also feel it's my job to listen to her and give her what she's asking for. Even if my gut says to ignore her and come up anyway.
We haven't talked much about her treatments because she chooses not to. We haven't talked about whether or not she has to do this again or if, after 6 weeks, she'll be done for good. There are a lot of questions I want to ask, but if she doesn't want to talk about it, then it's up to me to bite my tongue and think of things she wants to hear for the brief moments I talk to her. I was calling every other day, but have cut back to calling once or twice a week as I worry I'm annoying her and I would hate that. I just worry about her and it's my only way of checking up on her. I can't very well drive over there on a weekend just because I want to. It's times like these where I really hate the physical distance between us.
Speaking of the distance, our future in Lubbock is looking a little shaky. Juan's in a tough industry that lays off a lot of people around this time of year, each year. His company all ready laid off 40% of the main crew in Shreveport and the only thing that's really keeping him employed out here is a test well that everyone is hoping will have good results in the next few weeks. If the news is bad, he'll be out of a job almost certainly and then we'll be at square one. The good thing, though, is that we're preparing for the worst and looking at all our options. Moving back to Louisiana is almost out of the equation. The industry is just too shaky in LA and seems to be drying up with jobs harder and harder to find in oil and gas out there. So, that leaves us with Texas, Pennsylvania, Colorado, and Ohio. We've ruled out Ohio because of snow. (Juan hates the cold.) Pennsylvania would be a "maybe" as in: A company offers Juan money that we just can't refuse and then Juan would do three weeks out and one week off while Phoenix and I move back to Louisiana and stay with Juan's mom. We are undecided about Colorado. I like it because it would put me closer to my mom, but it would also put us further away from Juan' mom and she's the one who needs more help, at the moment. So.. let's talk Texas. Basically, if we can get Juan just a few more months of experience, almost the whole of Texas opens up to us. We're really interested in the Austin area followed by the Ft. Worth/Dallas area. We both really want Austin and Juan's sent out e-mails and resumes to a few companies out there. I could definitely see Austin becoming our home for more than a year.
We really have one more year that we can be "nomadic" until Phoenix has to start Kindergarten. I would like us to be settled down by then and try to give him a few steady years in one school. I remember hating the whole moving and switching schools thing when I was young and would not want to put that on Phoenix. Then again, I also told Juan we will go where we need to go and make a life wherever that may be. Phoenix will adapt and survive and we'll be stronger together no matter what. I actually enjoy moving to new places, now, and get excited to think about the next great adventure. I love Lubbock and am happy to be here, but I'm excited to try another place and make another home somewhere.
I've rambled on enough. Time to knock out some Sociology before I need to pick up the kiddo. Guess I'll throw some housework in there as well. Today's laundry and kitchen day. (Yes, I have my "chores" listed on my phone's calendar so I have a daily reminder of what needs to be done. It really helps me stay on top of everything house related as well as school related.)
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Hoping For Good Things
My mom goes to the drs tomorrow for her final consult with the radiation expert and the chemotherapy dr. They originally wanted her to start her chemotherapy pill and the radiation treatments last month, but she asked for more time to heal from her surgery/hospital experience and to get her anxiety/depression under control. I'm not sure her anxiety/depression is under control yet, but I'm happy to report that she's feeling a lot better than she has in a long time. That being said, she's very anxious about tomorrow and what may happen. I'm trying to give her the space she needs so I won't hear anything for the next few days... but I'm hoping for a good outcome, one that she will be at peace with, tomorrow.
In other Mom news, their English Bulldog, Buster, had to be put to sleep on Friday. A few months ago, he had been diagnosed with liver tumors (Ironic, eh? Mom has cancer near her liver; Buster has tumors in his liver.) and Mom and Tony decided to just let him live out the remainder of his days at home. They had an option to take him to a local university for an experimental treatment, but that would cost a few thousand dollars and success was not guaranteed. Plus, Buster was already twelve/thirteen years old (The average lifespan of an English Bulldog is about 8-10 years.) and had lived a pretty awesome life. It's a sad thing. He was one of the few dogs I could tolerate and I know my step-dad absolutely adored that dog. The memory of Buster as a wrinkly little puppy has been playing across my mind this weekend. He was soo adorable and such a pain in the ass because he was one feisty little pup. He would jump up and latch onto my mom's bathrobe with his teeth while she would try to walk around the house, getting ready for work. You could just hear that little pup growling as he was dragged up and down the hall. He loved kids though and always wanted to be around them, playing with them. So much so that when the neighbor kids would come over to swim, he would have to wear a special doggy life-vest because he had been known to jump in after the kids and then sink to the bottom of the pool. We thought he was rather dumb until Sophie (An English Bulldog sired by Buster) came along and we realized Buster was rather smart... Anyway, Buster, you snorted like a pig, were stinky, drooled a lot, and would have asthma attacks when too excited, but you were loyal, loving, and patient when the kids used you as a pillow and whatever else they could think of. Thank you for all the laughter and the opportunity to get to know an English Bulldog and fall in love with the breed.
I am also hoping for good things for Phoenix tomorrow. He had a rough day in preschool on Friday. Apparently, he burst into tears off and on throughout the three hours of school. It took me all day to finally get him to tell me what the deal was. Long story short, he told me he thought the teacher was mad at him because he couldn't put his jacket on and he couldn't write his name. So today, we worked on the letter of this upcoming week ("I") as well as a few other letters (B, H, L, T and P). I worked hard to get him excited about learning how to write (Okay, I bribed him with candy) and am hoping he goes to school full of confidence and just knocks those I's out of the park this week. It broke my heart a little to see him so sad and I vowed to work with him every day so that he wouldn't be the last one in his little class to learn how to write his letters.
In other Mom news, their English Bulldog, Buster, had to be put to sleep on Friday. A few months ago, he had been diagnosed with liver tumors (Ironic, eh? Mom has cancer near her liver; Buster has tumors in his liver.) and Mom and Tony decided to just let him live out the remainder of his days at home. They had an option to take him to a local university for an experimental treatment, but that would cost a few thousand dollars and success was not guaranteed. Plus, Buster was already twelve/thirteen years old (The average lifespan of an English Bulldog is about 8-10 years.) and had lived a pretty awesome life. It's a sad thing. He was one of the few dogs I could tolerate and I know my step-dad absolutely adored that dog. The memory of Buster as a wrinkly little puppy has been playing across my mind this weekend. He was soo adorable and such a pain in the ass because he was one feisty little pup. He would jump up and latch onto my mom's bathrobe with his teeth while she would try to walk around the house, getting ready for work. You could just hear that little pup growling as he was dragged up and down the hall. He loved kids though and always wanted to be around them, playing with them. So much so that when the neighbor kids would come over to swim, he would have to wear a special doggy life-vest because he had been known to jump in after the kids and then sink to the bottom of the pool. We thought he was rather dumb until Sophie (An English Bulldog sired by Buster) came along and we realized Buster was rather smart... Anyway, Buster, you snorted like a pig, were stinky, drooled a lot, and would have asthma attacks when too excited, but you were loyal, loving, and patient when the kids used you as a pillow and whatever else they could think of. Thank you for all the laughter and the opportunity to get to know an English Bulldog and fall in love with the breed.
I am also hoping for good things for Phoenix tomorrow. He had a rough day in preschool on Friday. Apparently, he burst into tears off and on throughout the three hours of school. It took me all day to finally get him to tell me what the deal was. Long story short, he told me he thought the teacher was mad at him because he couldn't put his jacket on and he couldn't write his name. So today, we worked on the letter of this upcoming week ("I") as well as a few other letters (B, H, L, T and P). I worked hard to get him excited about learning how to write (Okay, I bribed him with candy) and am hoping he goes to school full of confidence and just knocks those I's out of the park this week. It broke my heart a little to see him so sad and I vowed to work with him every day so that he wouldn't be the last one in his little class to learn how to write his letters.
Monday, January 2, 2012
Updates and Whatnot
I forgot about this blog for awhile. Maybe I didn't forget exactly, but I avoided it. Good news for my mom. The surgery went well. The recovery... not so much. She spent most of November in the hospital trying to get her pain under control as well as drainage and whatnot. She seems to be doing better physically. The pain isn't as bad as pre-surgery and there are times when she sounds like her old self. More so than before surgery. She still has days where she is short of breath and the pain bothers her, but I'm hoping those are getting few and far between the good days. Her anxiety has not gone away and she may have a bit of depression. Which has lead her to ask for anti-depressants and to hold off on the chemo and radiation until some time this month. The chemo will be done via pill but she will also receive high doses of radiation. She doesn't talk about it much and I'm not sure what to expect once her treatments start. I just try to keep our phone conversations short and happy in order to keep her spirits up and in a positive light.
Juan's step-dad passed away a few weeks ago. It was a bit of a shock but not a huge one. His health just began to go downhill the moment he was diagnosed with kidney failure and put on dialysis a year ago. I didn't visit him in the hospital, but Juan did. I am very proud of Juan for stepping up to the plate and taking turns keeping an eye on his stepdad when his brother or mom couldn't be there. His stepdad was a hard guy, lived a hard life, and I can't say for sure if Juan or his brother really loved him, but they did right by him in the end. Just as their stepdad tried to do right by them when they were young. Juan's mom is handling things as well as possible. We stayed and tried to help out as much as we could. We'll be helping her financially until we get everything figured out for her.
I have an overwhelming urge to being writing again. Writing blog posts. Writing stories. I miss writing. I miss pouring out my thoughts on paper and seeing my daydreams get fleshed out and made into something that I wouldn't mind reading. I don't know if I"ll make the time to write every day... like I wan to, but I will try to make the time to write every few days. I am expecting life to get rather hectic once my classes start on Jan. 13th. I signed up for five classes and am worried that I have signed up for too many classes, but I refuse to drop any and will just soldier on and work my ass off. I am still happy to be in school. Even happier to have finally passed that damn math class... with a B!
This is just random crap. It's late. I don't even have my glasses on, but my fingers wanted to do some typing and my thoughts wanted to do some talking. So here you go. It feels good to be back here. To write about anything and everything. Maybe one day I'll even share this with friends and family.
Juan's step-dad passed away a few weeks ago. It was a bit of a shock but not a huge one. His health just began to go downhill the moment he was diagnosed with kidney failure and put on dialysis a year ago. I didn't visit him in the hospital, but Juan did. I am very proud of Juan for stepping up to the plate and taking turns keeping an eye on his stepdad when his brother or mom couldn't be there. His stepdad was a hard guy, lived a hard life, and I can't say for sure if Juan or his brother really loved him, but they did right by him in the end. Just as their stepdad tried to do right by them when they were young. Juan's mom is handling things as well as possible. We stayed and tried to help out as much as we could. We'll be helping her financially until we get everything figured out for her.
I have an overwhelming urge to being writing again. Writing blog posts. Writing stories. I miss writing. I miss pouring out my thoughts on paper and seeing my daydreams get fleshed out and made into something that I wouldn't mind reading. I don't know if I"ll make the time to write every day... like I wan to, but I will try to make the time to write every few days. I am expecting life to get rather hectic once my classes start on Jan. 13th. I signed up for five classes and am worried that I have signed up for too many classes, but I refuse to drop any and will just soldier on and work my ass off. I am still happy to be in school. Even happier to have finally passed that damn math class... with a B!
This is just random crap. It's late. I don't even have my glasses on, but my fingers wanted to do some typing and my thoughts wanted to do some talking. So here you go. It feels good to be back here. To write about anything and everything. Maybe one day I'll even share this with friends and family.
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