This week, I have been angry. I AM angry. So angry right now. I hate cancer. I hate what it does to families, to individuals, to one's body. I hate that cancer is a six letter word because it doesn't describe all the various types of cancer, all the various realities that come along with it. It needs to be bigger, harder to spell, difficult to pronounce. It needs to sound meaner, scarier, harsher.
With Mom's cancer coming back... it leaves me facing a darker reality. Her option, now, is chemotherapy.. and if that doesn't work.. an experimental surgery with lasers.. But even if chemotherapy works, we might, MIGHT, get two years... Just 24 months. Is it 2 years from today? 2 years from the end of the chemo? 2 years from last year ago? I know that we are not guaranteed to see tomorrow.. but to hear someone say you might only get 2 more years sounds so much scarier than to hear someone say we might not see tomorrow. 2 years is everything and nothing to me at the moment.
I'm angry that time goes so fast. I'm angry that it takes one full day of travel to get to where she is.. and I'm angry that it feels so far away from her. I'm angry that she's 57, I'm 30, and that life seems too short. I'm angry at the thoughts that whisper in my head... that weigh heavy on my heart and go where I don't want to go. I'm angry at the feeling that I need to hurry, to go, to be there because I feel like I'm losing her and I'm running out of time. I'm angry that I took so much for granted over the years. That I was young and dumb and wasted so much time.
I'm angry that I feel torn and that I almost wish someone would tell me to stay or go. I'm angry that I'm not there and I'm angry that I have to choose between my little family and my mother. (Note: No one is making me choose as I have nothing but support from my "little family" as to what I need to do.. when I feel I need to do it.. and for how long I feel I need to go..) I can't explain to my four year old that Mommy wants to leave to be with her Mommy for who knows how long. Is it even right to want to leave and not come back in a week? To leave my kiddo behind because I can't take care of him and of her at the same time? I'm angry that I don't have the time to break down and cry. I'm angry that I get told "Don't be sad" and "It'll be fine". I WANT it to be fine... but I want to scream "What if it's NOT? What do I DO?"
I'm angry because I feel selfish. I feel guilty. She's taken such good care of me and I'm not there to take care of her during this ordeal. I'm angry because I'm scared.. I want to believe it will all be okay. I pray for healing, strength, and miracles every day. I pray she will become a walking, talking, miracle.. And I'm angry that this little voice in my head whispers doubt and plays out little scenarios that do not have a happy ending. I'm angry that, through this, one thought always comes back.. "I'm not ready to be a woman without her mother". I'm angry that my son won't have the same relationship with my mom as he does and will have with Juan's mom. I'm angry that she may not be able to tell my kid(s) my story. My life through her eyes. That she won't be around for as long as I always thought she would.
I'm angry at her for not being fully open with me. For leading me on with positive reports when reality is beginning to crash down on us. For letting me think I'd get another 10 or 20 years with her. I'm angry with myself... For being angry with her.
I fucking hate cancer.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Thursday, June 7, 2012
On Faith
So much for writing every day. Long story short, my mother's cancer is back.. It was back before we could even say, for sure, it was gone. She is, right now, getting a procedure done (4th or 5th time for this particular procedure) to try to drain excess bile fluid that is back-flowing into her liver. It was determined that there are most likely cancerous tumors blocking her bile duct again and causing this back-flow of fluid, her jaundice, pain, and exhaustion. She will also meet with a Seattle oncologist this week for a second opinion and, hopefully, a treatment plan that she can take back to her regular doctors in Idaho.
Phoenix and I were able to spend 10 days with her and my step-dad this month. Most of those days were spent in Seattle while she had procedures done to try to unblock her bile duct. They didn't work exactly and the doctors had to create a drain in her liver.. Today's stop in Seattle is to, hopefully, put in a bigger tube to drain more fluid faster and help alleviate her jaundice and whatnot. The trip was great in the sense that we got to finally, after more than two years, see each other, hug, and just spend time with each other. Stressful in the sense that I had to entertain my four year old for a few days in Seattle and figure out affordable things to do in walking distance or shuttle distance of our motel. But it was worth my time, stress, and $ to see my mom, share memories, create memories, and just be with her again. I didn't want to leave even though I longed for my house and my bed.
This post is supposed to be a little bit about faith. I've never really been one to stand on corners and proclaim in a loud voice my faith and beliefs. I've always just kept quiet and really only shared my thoughts when really moved to do so or when talking with good friends. I will say that during the past year, with my mom being sick and diagnosed with cancer, I have leaned on my faith even more. I have tried hard not to pray for specifics, but to pray for wisdom, strength, and the ability to be the person my mom would need during this time. I'm not in the ditches, first hand, to experience everything my mom is going through and, maybe, that's why I haven't felt anger at God specificallyor the need to question my faith... I've just had to hold on tight, close my eyes, and trust that we will get through this and see a bright future soon.
I think one reason why I haven't doubted my faith is that I feel I've gotten little messages along the way. I've also never really been one to talk to strangers unless it was about something trivial... like the weather or the bad customer service... or the weirdo creeping everyone out. But I've found myself talking about my mom's illness to people and have been blessed to have so many strangers tell me how they're praying/pulling for my mom. Her name has been added to prayer lists.. Strangers have bowed their heads before me and said quick, powerful prayers for her health. And every time, even if they go home and forget to pray for her, every time someone has said "I will pray for your mom", I feel as though it's a little message from God. That he is sending his prayer warriors to me to remind me that we are not alone and that He has not forgotten us.
I've even had people of different religions send me love and well wishes for my mom.. I think it's absolutely beautiful and am completely humbled and awed by those people willing to take a few seconds to care about my mom. Complete strangers, some of them, asking her name and sending her love and healing in whatever form they choose. It makes me feel connected to something greater than myself and it gives me hope that things will soon be better. It strengthens me during my weak moments and it makes me strive to pass on the goodwill by praying for those I come across that need help for various reasons. It's made me commit myself to going back to church, to finding a deeper, more personal path of faith, and holding on, tighter than ever, to the belief that we will have many, many years with my mom and that this will soon just be a speed bump we will briefly talk about now and then throughout the years.
Phoenix and I were able to spend 10 days with her and my step-dad this month. Most of those days were spent in Seattle while she had procedures done to try to unblock her bile duct. They didn't work exactly and the doctors had to create a drain in her liver.. Today's stop in Seattle is to, hopefully, put in a bigger tube to drain more fluid faster and help alleviate her jaundice and whatnot. The trip was great in the sense that we got to finally, after more than two years, see each other, hug, and just spend time with each other. Stressful in the sense that I had to entertain my four year old for a few days in Seattle and figure out affordable things to do in walking distance or shuttle distance of our motel. But it was worth my time, stress, and $ to see my mom, share memories, create memories, and just be with her again. I didn't want to leave even though I longed for my house and my bed.
This post is supposed to be a little bit about faith. I've never really been one to stand on corners and proclaim in a loud voice my faith and beliefs. I've always just kept quiet and really only shared my thoughts when really moved to do so or when talking with good friends. I will say that during the past year, with my mom being sick and diagnosed with cancer, I have leaned on my faith even more. I have tried hard not to pray for specifics, but to pray for wisdom, strength, and the ability to be the person my mom would need during this time. I'm not in the ditches, first hand, to experience everything my mom is going through and, maybe, that's why I haven't felt anger at God specificallyor the need to question my faith... I've just had to hold on tight, close my eyes, and trust that we will get through this and see a bright future soon.
I think one reason why I haven't doubted my faith is that I feel I've gotten little messages along the way. I've also never really been one to talk to strangers unless it was about something trivial... like the weather or the bad customer service... or the weirdo creeping everyone out. But I've found myself talking about my mom's illness to people and have been blessed to have so many strangers tell me how they're praying/pulling for my mom. Her name has been added to prayer lists.. Strangers have bowed their heads before me and said quick, powerful prayers for her health. And every time, even if they go home and forget to pray for her, every time someone has said "I will pray for your mom", I feel as though it's a little message from God. That he is sending his prayer warriors to me to remind me that we are not alone and that He has not forgotten us.
I've even had people of different religions send me love and well wishes for my mom.. I think it's absolutely beautiful and am completely humbled and awed by those people willing to take a few seconds to care about my mom. Complete strangers, some of them, asking her name and sending her love and healing in whatever form they choose. It makes me feel connected to something greater than myself and it gives me hope that things will soon be better. It strengthens me during my weak moments and it makes me strive to pass on the goodwill by praying for those I come across that need help for various reasons. It's made me commit myself to going back to church, to finding a deeper, more personal path of faith, and holding on, tighter than ever, to the belief that we will have many, many years with my mom and that this will soon just be a speed bump we will briefly talk about now and then throughout the years.
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