And now... The News

 My mother will have surgery November 11 to remove the tumor in her liver/bile duct. They have finally determined the only source of cancer is located in the bile duct. Unfortunately, it is an aggressive type of cancer and will need to be treated with chemotherapy and radiation after her surgeon clears her for treatment. It should take about 6 weeks for her to heal after her surgery and then, I'm assuming, is when they'll start chemo and radiation.

  I finally talked to my father today and told him the news. Even though they have been divorced since I was eleven, he took it kinda hard. Of course, it didn't help that after I told him my bad news, he had to tell me his bad news. My grandma, 92, is in the hospital and will be having surgery on Monday to fix her colon. She also has pretty serious Alzheimer's and is rather weak all ready. He doubts she'll make it out of surgery. Dad's pretty sad about it and is dealing with a lot of regret and guilt over not seeing them/ talking to them as much as he could have/should have. I feel my news about my mom didn't help and now worry about him a bit.

  This is where I wish I could clone myself and have the power to fly. I'd be in California with my grandma and grandpa... I'd be in Idaho with my mom.. I'd be in Mississippi with my dad to hang out and comfort him.. and I'd still be down here, taking care of Phoenix and whatnot. I just, at this time, feel emotionally drained. I was wrestling with my emotions when it came to my mom and now I'm wrestling with the emotions that come up when I think about my dad and my grandma. To say I'm dreading the next few weeks would be an understatement.. I'm really scared to see what the next few weeks/months bring us. I'm having a hard time grabbing onto the positive and carrying it in my heart and mind everyday.

  Truth is, I'm definitely more worried for my mother than I am about my grandma or my dad. My relationship with my mom is by far stronger than the ones I have with my grandma and dad... I Googled her type of cancer and it seems like the odds aren't really in her favor... But I keep having this scene/quote from Dumb and Dumber roll through my head. It's the scene where Jim Carrey's character is asking the female lead what his chances of being with her are... And she responds something like "One in a million"... Camera pans to his face, you expect him to be heartbroken, but he gets this huge shit-eating grin and says "Soooo, you're saying I have a chance?!?".... So yeah, if I read right, her chance isn't the best, but there's still a chance that one day, we'll be able to look back and talk about this journey and be thankful we all survived.. And she'll live for a very long time.. There's still a chance, hope, and a prayer.. And I have to remind myself that I need to hold onto that and carry it with me when the doubt and fear start to take over.

 I'm sad. I'm scared. I'm unsure of the future. I feel helpless. I feel angry. Angry at myself for feeling fear. Angry that I'm so far away and unable to be there to help and support. But there is hope. There is a chance.. and I have faith. I have faith I'll be what I need to be to help my family through the next few months. I have faith in my mom and her team of Dr.'s. And I have faith that this new path may be full of shadows and doubt, but there is light just around the corner.