On Anger

 This week, I have been angry. I AM angry. So angry right now. I hate cancer. I hate what it does to families, to individuals, to one's body. I hate that cancer is a six letter word because it doesn't describe all the various types of cancer, all the various realities that come along with it. It needs to be bigger, harder to spell, difficult to pronounce. It needs to sound meaner, scarier, harsher.

  With Mom's cancer coming back... it leaves me facing a darker reality. Her option, now, is chemotherapy.. and if that doesn't work.. an experimental surgery with lasers.. But even if chemotherapy works, we might, MIGHT, get two years... Just 24 months. Is it 2 years from today? 2 years from the end of the chemo? 2 years from last year ago? I know that we are not guaranteed to see tomorrow.. but to hear someone say you might only get 2 more years sounds so much scarier than to hear someone say we might not see tomorrow. 2 years is everything and nothing to me at the moment.

  I'm angry that time goes so fast. I'm angry that it takes one full day of travel to get to where she is.. and I'm angry that it feels so far away from her. I'm angry that she's 57, I'm 30, and that life seems too short. I'm angry at the thoughts that whisper in my head... that weigh heavy on my heart and go where I don't want to go. I'm angry at the feeling that I need to hurry, to go, to be there because I feel like I'm losing her and I'm running out of time. I'm angry that I took so much for granted over the years. That I was young and dumb and wasted so much time.

 I'm angry that I feel torn and that I almost wish someone would tell me to stay or go. I'm angry that I'm not there and I'm angry that I have to choose between my little family and my mother. (Note: No one is making me choose as I have nothing but support from my "little family" as to what I need to do.. when I feel I need to do it.. and for how long I feel I need to go..) I can't explain to my four year old that Mommy wants to leave to be with her Mommy for who knows how long. Is it even right to want to leave and not come back in a week? To leave my kiddo behind because I can't take care of him and of her at the same time? I'm angry that I don't have the time to break down and cry. I'm angry that I get told "Don't be sad" and "It'll be fine". I WANT it to be fine... but I want to scream "What if it's NOT? What do I DO?"

 I'm angry because I feel selfish. I feel guilty. She's taken such good care of me and I'm not there to take care of her during this ordeal. I'm angry because I'm scared.. I want to believe it will all be okay. I pray for healing, strength, and miracles every day. I pray she will become a walking, talking, miracle.. And I'm angry that this little voice in my head whispers doubt and plays out little scenarios that do not have a happy ending. I'm angry that, through this, one thought always comes back.. "I'm not ready to be a woman without her mother". I'm angry that my son won't have the same relationship with my mom as he does and will have with Juan's mom. I'm angry that she may not be able to tell my kid(s) my story. My life through her eyes. That she won't be around for as long as I always thought she would.

 I'm angry at her for not being fully open with me. For leading me on with positive reports when reality is beginning to crash down on us. For letting me think I'd get another 10 or 20 years with her. I'm angry with myself... For being angry with her.

 I fucking hate cancer.