On Faith

 So much for writing every day. Long story short, my mother's cancer is back.. It was back before we could even say, for sure, it was gone. She is, right now, getting a procedure done (4th or 5th time for this particular procedure) to try to drain excess bile fluid that is back-flowing into her liver. It was determined that there are most likely cancerous tumors blocking her bile duct again and causing this back-flow of fluid, her jaundice, pain, and exhaustion. She will also meet with a Seattle oncologist this week for a second opinion and, hopefully, a treatment plan that she can take back to her regular doctors in Idaho.

 Phoenix and I were able to spend 10 days with her and my step-dad this month. Most of those days were spent in Seattle while she had procedures done to try to unblock her bile duct. They didn't work exactly and the doctors had to create a drain in her liver.. Today's stop in Seattle is to, hopefully, put in a bigger tube to drain more fluid faster and help alleviate her jaundice and whatnot. The trip was great in the sense that we got to finally, after more than two years, see each other, hug, and just spend time with each other. Stressful in the sense that I had to entertain my four year old for a few days in Seattle and figure out affordable things to do in walking distance or shuttle distance of our motel. But it was worth my time, stress, and $ to see my mom, share memories, create memories, and just be with her again. I didn't want to leave even though I longed for my house and my bed.

 This post is supposed to be a little bit about faith. I've never really been one to stand on corners and proclaim in a loud voice my faith and beliefs. I've always just kept quiet and really only shared my thoughts when really moved to do so or when talking with good friends. I will say that during the past year, with my mom being sick and diagnosed with cancer, I have leaned on my faith even more. I have tried hard not to pray for specifics, but to pray for wisdom, strength, and the ability to be the person my mom would need during this time. I'm not in the ditches, first hand, to experience everything my mom is going through and, maybe, that's why I haven't felt anger at God specificallyor the need to question my faith... I've just had to hold on tight, close my eyes, and trust that we will get through this and see a bright future soon.

 I think one reason why I haven't doubted my faith is that I feel I've gotten little messages along the way. I've also never really been one to talk to strangers unless it was about something trivial... like the weather or the bad customer service... or the weirdo creeping everyone out. But I've found myself talking about my mom's illness to people and have been blessed to have so many strangers tell me how they're praying/pulling for my mom. Her name has been added to prayer lists.. Strangers have bowed their heads before me and said quick, powerful prayers for her health. And every time, even if they go home and forget to pray for her, every time someone has said "I will pray for your mom", I feel as though it's a little message from God. That he is sending his prayer warriors to me to remind me that we are not alone and that He has not forgotten us.

 I've even had people of different religions send me love and well wishes for my mom.. I think it's absolutely beautiful and am completely humbled and awed by those people willing to take a few seconds to care about my mom. Complete strangers, some of them, asking her name and sending her love and healing in whatever form they choose. It makes me feel connected to something greater than myself and it gives me hope that things will soon be better. It strengthens me during my weak moments and it makes me strive to pass on the goodwill by praying for those I come across that need help for various reasons. It's made me commit myself to going back to church, to finding a deeper, more personal path of faith, and holding on, tighter than ever, to the belief that we will have many, many years with my mom and that this will soon just be a speed bump we will briefly talk about now and then throughout the years.