How Do I Begin?

 I've written and deleted a hundred paragraphs since the day my mother passed away. Words just cannot do justice to the emotions that I'm feeling and the place of quiet I'm in. To say my mom meant a lot to me is like saying chocolate tastes good. Duh. It's a given. I can't explain what my mom meant to me because I haven't enough words. And I know that today, it's not just me who is missing her and expecting her to walk around the corner any second.

 I want to say thank you to everyone who has expressed their condolences. Those who have checked up on me and reached out to me during these past few days. I see your messages. I've heard your voice mails. I'm not quite ready to talk, but understand that I know you all are there and will listen if I need to babble on and cry. I know I'm not alone and that there are so many who want to help. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

 The past week has been tough, but there have been some beautiful moments as well. I am so lucky that I had the chance to spend time with my mom even if she couldn't really talk to me or comfort me like she always has. I still know she heard me and she tried her best to communicate with me when she could. Like the time my night shift was up and I leaned in to kiss her. I whispered if she remembered "Eskimo kisses and butterfly kisses" and she made a sound like "Uh huh". I took my glasses off and gently brushed my nose against hers. Then I leaned over, holding my hair out of her face, and softly brushed my eyelashes against her cheek. I whispered "I Love You" in her ear and she made a sound like "I Love You" right back.

 I was able to give both of us reassurance that I was going to be okay. That she had done her job well enough that I would survive in the world without her to push me and pull me along. She taught me to strike out on my own, to create a family of my own, and a support network of people to help me when I fall. I reminded her of those that are dear to me... the ones who will give me a shoulder to cry on and an ear to whisper in. It was a hard conversation... to admit that I will find a way to live without her, but it's one we both needed to hear. I felt like she had spent her whole life fighting for me, protecting me... that it was important for her to know that I'll make it through this tough time and honor her in everything I do.

 My mom was more than a mother. She was a wife, a daughter, a sister, and a great friend. She would truly listen when you came to her with something and give you honest advice... even when it was something you didn't really want to hear. She wasn't perfect, but in her imperfection she taught me how to acknowledge failure and move on... To let go of heartache and disappointment and find the happy in any situation. She taught me how to find the beauty in simplicity, how to dig in and survive the hard times and enjoy the good times, and how to find something to be thankful for every day. She gave the best hugs, had a beautiful laugh, and would hum quietly as she went about her day. She meant a great many things to a lot of people.. To me... she meant everything.