"Life in Review"

 We believe it will be just a few more days before we say goodbye to Mom. She's more "out of it" than with it and, today, has spent more time sleeping than waking. Even "awake" means she's nodding off every minute or so... or drifting in and out of a sentence.

 One of the hospice booklets that I read about mentioned how they will sleep most of the time as they draw nearer to the end. How it's their body's way of "shutting down", but the interesting thing was that it's also their brain's way of doing a "Life in Review"... Life flashing before their eyes. I watch Mom sleep and see her smile and smile as well because I hope she is seeing all the great times that I will always carry with me in my heart.

 Tony, Trish, and I finally sat down and had "The Talk" about what we would do once she really leaves us. I've never had that conversation before and I had put it off until today because I didn't want to face it. It really wasn't until yesterday that it even hit me that she'll be gone sooner rather than later. We'll send her off in a style that she would be happy with. And I'll stay up here to help Tony and Tena for a while. To start to make sense of something that... never makes sense.

 I haven't cried much. I'm surprised really. I thought for sure the minute I was alone in my bedroom, I'd break down, but it really wasn't until I sat next to Mom, put my head on her shoulder and told her how wonderful she is, how much I love her, and how proud I am... that the tears became to much to hide. I still hid them from her and they didn't last long... I jumped up and washed my face before she could see me cry.

 Truth is, I don't know if that's the last time I'll have her attention, but I do know it's not the last time I'll talk to her. I take the first night shift... (Usually 8pm to 1-3 AM) and will use that time to whisper in her ear as she sleeps. I don't think we'll have a real conversation, but I can give her my love, my memories, and reassure both her and myself that I will be okay. That WE, the ones who will be left behind, will be okay. We'll survive. We'll hold on tight to each other and we'll survive.