The Calm Before the Storm

 Here I am. Again. Trying to gather my thoughts into sentences coherent enough to share. I am trying to get ready for my trip to Idaho on Tuesday. Making mental lists of what I need to bring, if I need to write anything down for Juan, trying to help Phoenix understand why he has to stay behind and why Mommy won't be home for a little while. I'm able to be calm and collected until I start to think of why I'm going to Idaho.

 Truth is, I'm scared. I'm heart sick. I don't want to go. Not for the reason that's bringing me up there. The cold truth is that I'm going and I'm not leaving until my mom's fight is done. I am finally making the choice to go up there and help out in any way I can. To give my mom and, really, myself time to say goodbye and to send her off with all the love in my heart. To help Tony in any way I can. He has had to shoulder such an unbearable burden, one that I feel was partly mine to shoulder... I feel such gratitude for what he's done and how he has loved my mom every day... It's my job to help him help her now.

 I feel pretty calm about all of it, at the moment. I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a tall cliff, looking down at the choppy water and knowing that I'm going to have to jump off in a little bit. I know the fall will be scary and the impact will hurt like hell. I know it'll take me a while to find myself and catch my breath, but I also know I'll do it and survive. I truly believe that while there will be tears and heart ache, we will find a way to have a few laughs and smiles.

 I continue to pray for wisdom, strength, and grace. To be able to soldier on and do what needs doing. To be selfless and to serve my family, pull them through to the other end if I have to. To love them with every inch of my heart.