Finding My Place

 Let's not talk about the trouble I had to go through to get to Idaho. Delayed flights, missed connections, unplanned stay in a hotel, grumpy employees who didn't care WHY I was traveling and upset... It was not fun. Not fun at all.

 But I made it. I made it to Idaho yesterday and have been here for one full day. I can't say it's what I expected because I had no idea what to expect... It's definitely more real now and "in my face" every minute of the day. What I had a hard time articulating until today is that I'm here until my mom passes away. I hated to say it. I hate to write it, but there it is. Black and white. I'm here to help send her off the best way possible.

 I'm so glad my Grandpa Ted and his Carol are here for a few days. I feel like I can ease into my place and find my role without neglecting my duties. The truth is, I know nothing (to quote Game of Thrones) when it comes to the terminally ill, dying, death, and after death. I know abstract ideas and TV/movie ideas, but I don't know the day-to-day, the minute by minute play out of actual decline and death. I read all the information the hospice people left. I learned more about what to expect, why these things happen, and how to help deal with "milestones" of the dying...

 It's still hard though. I had to fight back tears as I helped my mom get dressed twice today. On one hand, I was thanking God that I'm a mom and learned how to detach myself during "times of crisis" so I could deal with what needs to be done, but on the other I just kept thinking how terrible this must be for her... How independent she has been her whole life and how, now, she has to ask for help with getting dressed, sitting/standing, walking, lying down. I want to apologize to her as I'm helping her. "I'm so sorry I have to help you. Please don't feel bad. I love you with my heart and soul and will do anything and everything for you. I'm so sorry it has to go down like this. I wish I could change it, I do."

 I would escape to my room for an hour or two and just distract myself from the reality in the living room. I cleaned out the bathroom in the pool house so I could use it and leave her access to the main bathroom all the time. I did her laundry, folded it, and put it where she can get to it easily. I walked the dog, played with the dog, and cuddled the cat. I helped with dinner and helped her fix her plate, pour her milk. I tried to stay busy and out of the way, quiet and not demanding. I sat in the stifling hot living room this evening and just watched the TV on silent (Mom likes it that way, now.) for a few hours while Mom dosed off and on. I wanted to be somewhere else, but I also wanted to be right here, looking at how cancer has changed her and still being able to see the mom I see in my head. Trying so hard not to put any burdens on her, now, by staying calm and strong for both of us. Always saying yes when someone asks if I can do something... Getting out of the way when I feel Mom wants privacy...

 It's going to be awhile before I adjust to this "normal" and find my place. Before Tony and I find a rhythm that will enable us to work together for Mom's comfort. I know I'll do what needs to be done. I might hate parts of it and wish someone else would do it, but if it's asked of me... and even if it's not.. I'll step up and get the job done.. It's the best way I can honor the woman who taught me the meaning of stepping up and getting the job done since day one.